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What is this bear reading? Will she be able to use Sex Secrets of Escorts to snare another bear? Will you?
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Do You Say Yes When You Mean No?
Here is a very simple formula I teach my clients which will help you say no to things you don't want while inviting the things you do want. If you follow this formula you are more likely to achieve a win/win for all concerned. The basic format involves three steps:
1. Validate
2. Assert
3. Redirect
Let's say someone you care about asks you to join them in something you don't want to do. It could be something relatively harmless like dining at a restaurant you don't like or it could be something emotionally charged such as an invitation to become lovers. Regardless of how frightened you may feel about declining the offer and no matter how repulsed you may be by the invitation, you can affirm something positive. For instance, you might say "I love that you want to share more time with me!" Or perhaps "I really appreciate the fact that you have put so much thought into this."
Allow yourself to fully express any enthusiasm you have for this person and your connection to them, then move to step two. Here you want to assert your boundary by sharing the fact that their proposal does not appeal to you. You do NOT have to supply reasons for your preferences. You can simply say "That doesn't work for me but I would like to . . . " With that short phrase you can say "No" and redirect the conversation to something which you do want to share with this person.
If you remember to stay energetically and emotionally connected to your truth, challenges such as saying "No" will actually become opportunities for increasing intimacy without violating your boundaries or tolerating things you don't enjoy for the sake of the relationship.
A key to mastering this formula is becoming aware of all your emotions. Don't allow fear and disgust to fool you into believing that you don't care about this person. The truth is that we tend to care what others think of us even when we are repulsed by something they say or do. Tune into the fact that some part of you does enjoy the attention and affection in their invitation, and you will be able to share that with them authentically. It is your joy and love which make your "No" work for both them and you.
I hope you find this tip helpful. Soon, I will be announcing the launch of my new website including a brand new community forum where you will find support for sharing your truth and healing shame. In the mean time, may the celebrations of the season fill you with insight and creative purpose.
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 The Shame Free Zone in Christopher Kennedy Lawford's Recover to Live
More than 150 experts, including yours truly, share perspectives on how to determine if your bad habit is becoming a dependency. Praise for this exhaustive resource on addiction and recovery include: Dr. Patrick Carnes, the man who invented the term sex addiction, says this book "unmasks the variety of ways addiction is our number one public health problem." Marianne Williamson, New York Times Bestselling Author, says "Recover to Live provides a helping hand to anyone whose life or loved one has been hurt by [addiction]." Amazon Price: $17.79
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Educational, Entertaining and Especially for You!
My library of free podcasts on The Shame Free Zone include:
Rachel Wotton in The Scarlet Road
Sex Positive Parenting with Susie Bright
Deborah Anapol: Modern Polyamory
The Divine Feminine with Caroline Muir
NY Times Bestselling Author, Christopher Ryan: Is Monogamy Dead?
One Woman's Story of Rape
Now you can enjoy Sex Talk Radio Network on Stitcher as well as iTunes and Sex Talk Radio Network.
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Readers Respond
Hi Veronica The next time you're on this subject, you might throw in a few words about us guys. So far as I know, there is no male equivalent of "slut" or "whore". The words "fornicator" or "womanizer" do not even come close. Nevertheless, we have our own issues. Many of us learned guilt and shame at an early age, and I speak for legions who are glad to be out of it. We are off our knees and on our feet. Thanks. Ryan Yes, Ryan, shame most certainly effects all genders. No doubt about it. And while the Whore/Madonna dichotomy effects both men and women because men are not encouraged to love a whole woman but to split off their love from their sex, it is women who are raped and murdered because of the rape culture the dichotomy creates. However, there is another form of shame which effects men in a very detrimental fashion and that is the shame surrounding male lust. In fact, a colleague named Kerwin Kaye edited an anthology by that name: "Male Lust." You might want to read it. Fortunately, this shame does not lead to the rape and murder of men but it certainly destroys lives and hurts both men and women in the long run. I think the equivalent of slut-shaming and whore-bashing for men is being labeled "gay" or a "fag." Anything which might suggest that a man is more female than male can endanger his personal safety and even his life. Such labels have led to the rape and murder of more than a few men. Blessings, Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM Note To My Amazing Readers and Clients: If you wish to share your perspectives and success stories, you can do so anonymously! Have you realized inspiring progress in your relationship? Are you feeling less burdened by shame? Please consider sharing with others so they might benefit too. Email me with your story. Your privacy is assured. |
As an Empathy Expert, I teach couples who don't always communicate as deeply as they want to, or who sometimes argue in ways which create more hurt than healing, to connect in a manner which is both effective and fulfilling. Focusing on practical techniques and energetic shifts, I facilitate deeper understanding, sincere compassion and renewed erotic passion. Over time, most couples stop connecting with as much spontaneity and vulnerability as they once did, and this can make sex mediocre at best as well as contribute to feelings of irritation and disappointment. I reconnect couples at the heart level utilizing deep empathic and intuitive skills as well as powerful role plays and communication techniques. Most couples experience dramatic positive changes subsequent to their first hour long session in The Shame Free Zone.
These positive new ways of interacting are reinforced and enlarged upon with subsequent sessions. However, unlike therapy which often takes years, my dynamic coaching can produce long-term results much more quickly. I recommend coaching packages for couples seeking to improve their shared quality of life. Each package offers you a level of commitment in time and resources equal to the revitalization your relationship requires.
Email me or text 415.407.2932 to learn more.
Sincerely,
 Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM
TAP Communications
206 Sacramento Street Suite 206 Nevada City, CA 95959 Toll Free: 888.903.0050 Text/Cell: 415.407.2932 Direct Line: 530.362.8013 |
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