You have heard yourself say it many times, this resolution to do better next time. Each time you fall down, you promise yourself and anyone else who will listen, that this is the last time. You know better now. You will not do it again.

But you do.

So why is it that so many of us work so hard to be the best and do the best we possibly can, only to fail over and over again?

Early in life, most of us experience the shaming which accompanies admonishments to "grow up" and "learn to control yourself."  The innocent and spontaneous emotions which arise in us are dominated and silenced in an effort to control that which is inconvenient and unwieldy.

Ironically, the more we attempt to control what we feel and do, the less able we are to achieve the results we desire.  Like sand slipping between our fingers, the tighter our grip on what we desire, the less able we are to hold onto it. We may be accustomed to applying this time proven principle to our relationships and possessions but how often do we apply it to our quest for self-improvement and spiritual growth?  Employing too much self-will when relating to ourselves can be just as damaging as it is in our other relationships.

For instance, let's say you want to control your temper. That seems like a worthwhile goal which most people would applaud. But did you know that "controlling your temper" can actually lead to more angry outbursts and unpredictable fluctuations in mood?

I like to joke that this is why treatment for anger problems  is termed "anger management," not "anger repression" or "anger control."  Repression and suppression of emotions actually perpetuate the feelings we are attempting to avoid. Rather than deal with those emotions and eventually move on, our attempts to control emotions tend to imprison us with our negative feelings indefinitely.

Not only does the energy of control exacerbate the very qualities it is intended to diminish, our efforts at control set into motion a cycle of shame which perpetuates our problem behaviors. As we fail to live up to our expectations and our resolutions , most of us will feel less and less confident. We may begin to doubt ourselves and this can lead to a deepened sense of shame. Contrary to some of the shaming techniques employed by parents, partners and the culture, shame does not evoke the positive changes we anticipate.

"You cannot shame or belittle people into changing. This means we can't use self-hate to lose weight, we can't shame ourselves into becoming better parents and we can't belittle ourselves or our families into becoming who we need them to be. . . Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." [Brene' Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me, page 197]

So exactly how do we make the positive changes we desire?

More . . .

I was feeling alone, confused and in dire need of clarity about a sexual issue I was confronting.  Veronica did what I thought was impossible.  She quickly established trust, got to the heart of the matter, then lovingly provided hope, insight, laser-sharp wisdom and spot-on information.   After our telephone session, she followed up with a supportive email and some suggested reading.   I felt 1000% better immediately and now have the tools I need to successfully explore my sexuality in the future.  I will always be grateful to Veronica for dedicating her life to helping others to achieve maximum fulfillment in their intimate lives.   

I love the newsletter. I learn something new and make new connections everytime. This time I learned about Sensate Focus. Keep the information coming. I really do appreciate the information. I'm glad you've tackled it because the "status quo" stuff out there is really painful, shameful and bad for all sexes. The openness you have about sex and the adjacent subjects often leaves me feeling relieved.  

Las Vegas Hot Bodied Badboy  

In response to this rape malarkey from Aikens and Mourdock--2 peas in a pod. Mourdock actually said that if a woman is impregnated by rape, it is god's will that the child live to be born. It is god's "intention". Mourdock says his words were "twisted" but unless someone faked the sound and picture on television, that sure was what he said. Augustine said something similar in "The City of God." People had wondered why, during the sack of Rome, chaste Christian women were raped. That is to say, if god values chastity so highly, would he not intervene? Augustine opined that perhaps these women had become too proud of their superior virtue, and rape was god's way of  humbling them. In other words, in Augustine's view, god intended for them to be raped.

Ryan