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Disconnection is both the source and consequence of shame, fear and blame. - Brene' Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
Greetings!
Many of us have experienced the humiliation of being heckled or ridiculed for mistakes we have made. Whether this hateful energy is heaped upon our heads for something which is critical or trivial, when the message is that we are defective or deficient, we are being shamed.
This month a reader named Ryan shares (see Readers Respond below) his pain around being shamed for grieving the death of a family pet when he was a child. He states that as a consequence of that shaming, he can love animals more easily than he can love people. I empathize with him because my parents believed animals to be unworthy of affection or caring. As a child, I was shamed for any attempt to bond with a pet and it left me feeling like it was wrong to admit my tender feelings for anyone.
Like so many, I was taught that emotions are to be hidden and lied about in order to gain the upper hand and have power over others. Yet, as both Ryan and I discovered, most dogs and cats would prefer to lick our tears than to laugh at us for being vulnerable.
While it can be immensely helpful to nurture our connections with animals, we also need to heal our connections to people. If our early experiences with emotions created shame and blame, can we move past these barriers to intimacy and connection?
My journey toward healing has involved various stages including the reclaiming of my feelings of love, affection and caring for the animals I had relationships with in my childhood. Recalling the animals I felt bonded to as a child, I gave myself permission to reconnect to my joy and my grief. As I healed the shame I had been taught to feel for caring about pets, my heart became more capable of loving people.
I am convinced that many of us have unexpressed emotions about our childhood relationships with animals and those buried feelings can impose a heavy price tag on our adult relationships with other people. If you would like to explore how shame might be impacting your relationship to yourself and others, please contact me about a possible session.
Also, be sure to check out this short video which asks (and answers) the question, is it natural for the feeling of being in love to wear off over time?
I use a very successful combination of education and role playing to increase connection and compassion. Email me or text 415.407.2932 to learn more.
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Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM