"I don't know if other people are doing the best they can, but I do know that my life is better when I assume they are." These words that
Brene Brown quoted from her husband rang out to me while I was wrestling with what I wanted to offer in this June newsletter. I had just had a number of experiences which prompted me to ask some individuals and groups: "What if you just hold the difference?" To me "holding the difference" (whatever it is) is distinct from surrendering to just "living with it". "Holding" suggests intention, care, and commitment. "Holding" actively assumes, appreciates, and celebrates that we are all doing our best.
Consider "Lily". She has succeeded in the most extraordinary ways in her organization but has always "battled" the organization's priorities as they appear in its description of its culture. In spite of her success, she is full of criticism and disappointment about priorities that seem to carry more weight than hers. I asked her: "Can you hold the difference?" Can she
celebrate and be grateful for what she has accomplished by doing her best? Can she celebrate and be grateful for what her colleagues have accomplished by doing their best? If she just let herself be grateful for and celebrate that everyone is doing their best, would her life be different?
Lily's situation is understandable. In conversations about any organization's mission, vision, goals or culture, questions come up about priorities. As soon as the question of priorities is on the table, people easily feel either supported or threatened in their own sense of identity, meaning and purpose. When certain words or goals are designated as "most important" or "first", it is hard not to assume that everything else is "less than". There are potential consequences in being "less than" in terms of an organization's attention and in its allocation of personnel, money and other resources. This is a tough situation because a basic key to an organization's success is people knowing what their best is and doing it, no matter where that best falls on an organization's list of priorities.
Certainly, in
Fearless Conversations, we believe in using differences constructively and working toward understanding. At the same time, there are situations in which the fearless thing to do may be to hold the differences in peace with loving kindness, care and commitment - commitment to appreciate what is alive in ourselves and in our colleagues. There's a time to be simply grateful for all that is good.
There's a time for giving up the "war of words" and just listen to one another's stories. We are connected to one another through our stories, not through our arguments over priorities. For Lily my hope is that she continue to be fired up by all that she does that is her best AND that she take in more of the warmth and light from the fire in her colleagues who are doing their best, as well.
