"Auntie, you are going to need strategies!" This was the wise counsel a young woman gave her mother's sister - "Emma". Emma was anticipating spending a week with her niece's mother and her other sisters, all of whom are of a very different political
persuasion than hers. When they get into political topics, they typically trigger one another into arguments and debates that jeopardize the fun and enjoyment of getting together. Say I to Auntie Emma: "Your niece is right! You need strategies!" Our conversation went something like this:
Emma:
They have to comment on everything they hear on the news! It's like they bait me.
Me:
So, what is it that you need in that situation? I imagine you want some harmony, peace, and understanding.
Emma:
Yes, that's all true. I do want harmony and understanding, but I also have the need to be right. If I don't speak up and say "That's not true!" or something like that, I don't feel like I'm being authentic. I have to stand up for what I believe is right. I'm a very expressive person. It's hard for me just to be silent.
Me:
But you are never going to be "right" in that situation. That's the history with all of you. That doesn't mean you aren't right. You're just not going to be right with your sisters when you all get into arguing and debating. There are plenty of other ways to meet your need to speak up for what you believe is right.
Emma:
Yes, that's true. You know, one of my sisters told me once that when I tell her she is wrong she always feels put down and judged as being not as smart as me. I can see that her needs are to be heard and appreciated and respected.
Me:
So there it is! She's told you what her difficulty is with you and your need to be right. There's no way she is going to listen to what you have to say if she is feeling put down, vulnerable or resentful.
. . . . . . . .
As we talked further, we got back to her niece's advice and began to come up with some strategies for Emma to use when she is with her sisters. Why are strategies important? Because situations like this one with Emma and her sisters are very hard.
They call for us to use some parts of ourselves that aren't natural to us or comfortable. Without some strategies to do otherwise, Emma will always go into battle with her sisters over political and religious issues. If we don't want to be triggered into unwanted reactions, we need to set our intention, identify some strategies and practice them. Here are three strategies we came up with for Emma.
1. During the week with her sisters, Emma will "shelve" her need to be right and give more attention to her needs for harmony, enjoyment and fun. She can see that paying more attention to these needs offers the chance for enjoyable conversations rather than frustrating arguments. She will engage in activities where these needs can be met and minimize involvement in situations where she is likely to get triggered into debate.
2. When possible, she will choose to listen generously to her sisters rather than to speak up. This strategy takes mind and heart preparation for Emma whose natural inclination is to jump
in and "speak her mind". If she listens more, she may find out
other things about her sisters that really matter to her, like how one of them feels put down by Emma when Emma tells her she's wrong. As best she can, she will try to make listening more than keeping quiet. She will try to inquire about her sisters' thoughts and feelings about their points-of-view.
3. Emma will make some requests when she can. For example, if she gets into a situation which seems doomed to turn into an argument, she will try to catch herself. If she can change her
energy, she might change the energy of the situation. She will try to make a request by saying something like: "I can feel myself getting into an argument. I don't want to get into an argument. Would you be willing to take some time to explain your position and then listen to mine? We don't need to agree and we won't get into an argument."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Emma:
You know -- I am really going to have to practice these strategies.
Me:
Yes. It's hard to change old patterns and to be in situations that are emotionally charged and challenging. Just like you and your sisters are making special preparations to make sure you have a great time together, practicing your strategies will be part of your preparation. Have a great time! Enjoy!
