"Don't stop talking until you both are satisfied." This is the opening quote of a recent blog by a wonderful therapist, coach and friend,
Janet Karzmark. Though her blog is written for couples, what she says in
"Keep On Talking" is applicable for any relationship, including groups and organizations. Talking until all are satisfied is the intent of
Fearless Conversations.
When I am asked to facilitate a conversation in a group or organization, people often are looking for help to negotiate through conflict or different points-of-view. They want to arrive at some agreement or, at least, mutual understanding. In my experience, it is easier and more efficient to satisfy rather than to negotiate.
To satisfy and to negotiate are not mutually exclusive concepts, but the distinction becomes really clear for me when people assume the service of
Fearless Conversations is mediation rather than facilitation. "I was told you are a mediator", declared a manager in an organization that was hiring me. (I will call her Heather). She was puzzled and likened what she was anticipating, with my coming onto the scene, to a divorce settlement between her and her boss. No wonder! Their communication had deteriorated to just wanting to know one another's non-negotiables.
In mediation it is the mediator who does most of the talking. It's the mediator's job to find acceptable terms of negotiation between opposing parties. One of the tools is to navigate between parties to find out what they are willing to bargain away. In some cases, it is accepted that a party's strongest tool is to walk away. Without a mediator or a facilitator, in effect, that's what Heather and her boss had done -- walked away, with no negotiation and no satisfaction. Heather and her boss essentially had said: "Fine, have it your way!" But after more than a year, neither was happy or satisfied with that solution.
As Janet says, talking until all are satisfied is not what people naturally do. What does it mean to be satisfied? It means that we have been able to talk about what matters most to us and we know that what is in our heart has been heard. This is not a matter of agreement or disagreement - it's simply assurance about being heard. Having talked to Heather and her boss individually, I knew they had many similar needs and values: support, communication, collaboration, appreciation, competence, effectiveness, harmony, reassurance. But for over a year, all they experienced of each other were dismay, defensiveness and offensiveness. On top of it all, they hadn't come close to knowing how much each held the other in esteem.
Finally, Heather and her boss had enough. Recently, they decided to give each other time -- face-to-face time, with a facilitator. So far, in this time, we have set a table of conversation where the talk is not about non-negotiables. With growing appreciation of and confidence in the needs and values they hold in common, they have been able to make doable requests of each other instead of defending themselves behind their non-negotiables. They even have talked about a problem in their organization that has "bugged" both of them and come up with a solution they wouldn't have thought of without talking to each other. I don't know where all of this situation with Heather and her boss is going to go. However, I feel confident that it will take just a few more hours of facilitation, not a year, before they feel like they're
"on the same side, looking forward." They will experience satisfaction at the table of conversation. The answers they need will be there - in their talking with each other.
