Welcome to the monthly Fearless Conversations newsletter - inspiration and tools to help us create a world in which fearless conversations are common in our workplaces, communities and relationships.

Shyrl

When we're anticipating having to engage in a difficult conversation, it pays to put in the time and effort to be clear about our intention.  Recently, I was delighted to see how this good practice made a difference in someone who was beginning to become fearful and anxious. I'll call her Rose. She had been invited to participate in a conversation with rather significant outcomes at stake.  For a long time, after receiving the invitation, Rose was glad for what she took as a wonderful opportunity.  She looked forward to participating.  Then it dawned on her that, given the points-of-view of others who likely will be "at the table", she could find herself in the middle of a highly charged, polarized situation.  Rose began to "second-guess" the purpose of the conversation she had been invited to and the motivations of the people who had given the invitation.  Stereotypical judgments began to cloud her hopes for the potential good that could result from the conversation.

If you had been talking to Rose, you would have felt her energy shift from excitement to dread.  I began to picture her in the scheduled conversation holding back, gripped by intimidation. But the picture of intimidation doesn't fit Rose very well; that's for sure!  So, I said something to her about being able to be strong, given the purity of her intention.  She heard me say "security" of her intention; I am grateful for her much more proactive take on what I said. 

What is "security of intention"?  There are times when we, like Rose, are in the situation of anticipating an anxiety-producing conversation and we begin to lose the power of our good intention.  How can we secure ourselves in our good intention? 

1.  Ground ourselves firmly in what is most alive in us -
     what matters most to us - what we care about.  Be clear. 
     In Rose's case, she took the time to savor what she was

     caring about the most, which was the love for her children
     and her desire for the best possible lives for them. When
     she began to feel worried, she kept coming back to her love.
     Very clear!

2.  Assume the best of the other person(s). Tell any

     paralyzing judgments that creep into our minds and hearts
     to scram!  Out!  Rose forcefully pushed away persistent
     negative judgments about the people involved and focused
     only on the invitation as she received it in the first place - an
     opportunity.  She even visualized people in the

     conversation with many of the same hopes as she has. 

3.  Grasp onto hope.  Hope is alive in us when we step into
     the gap between what is and what we wish would be.  Hope

     is what lets us see all signs of life. Rose will participate in the

     conversation full of hope for life-giving communication that
     will lead to some practical actions.

Rose, of course, has no idea what outcomes to expect. The outcomes might be far worse than she could imagine, far better than she'd ever dare to dream, or anything in between.  For now, what matters is that she is secure in her intention and will participate in the conversation.

In my January newsletter article, "A New Fantastic Point-of-View", I said that I was looking for co-hosts to invite people to conversations that would be an exploration of how we can talk to one another about polarizing and sensitive issues.  Typically, we wish more would be achieved by our political and religious leaders talking with one another.  Many times we ourselves are just as stuck because we fear alienating someone or getting into an argument.  We have much to gain in learning from and supporting one another when we talk about social, political and religious concerns that really matter to us.

I'm happy to say a few conversations are now in the planning stages, with one scheduled on March 7, 10:00 - 12:00, in Belmont, CA.  In early February, the co-host will be sending out invitations to her network of contacts. If you would like to participate in this conversation, you would be very welcome and can let me know.

I'm looking forward to these conversations and hope you or others will be interested in co-hosting.  Co-hosting is about taking the part of inviting, not doing a lot of work!  The inviting can be as simple as to a few friends, colleagues or interested folks you know.

Many thanks to those who are helping to start this exploration.

See here for more information.

 

650-218-2861 or e-mail: shyrl@fearlessconversations.org.