Welcome to the monthly Fearless Conversations newsletter - inspiration and tools to help us create a world in which fearless conversations are common in our workplaces, communities and relationships.

Shyrl

Have you ever noticed how often the word "weird" is used?  For whatever reason I've been noticing. It even "starred" the other day in the punchline of one of my favorite comic strips: Adam @ Home; little 7-year old Katy ends a conversation with her father by declaring that drawing attention to a special father-daughter moment is "weird".  "Weird" is such a handy word when we want to express that someone or something is unusual, strange, odd, bizarre.  Usually, when I think or say something is weird, I don't want to have anything to do with it. 

"Weird" -- a simple, familiar word -- so easy to use without thinking twice about the judgments we are making when we do use it.  "Weird" has a range of impact from an innocuous dismissal to an outright condemnation of something that is not of our liking.  It seems to me that our judgments of "weird" are some of the hardest to release.  Recently, in a workshop I was giving on Nonviolent Communication (NVC), one of the participants offered an example. I will call him Joe.

I had asked the participants to do a simple reflection on a  judgment they were making. Joe chose to work with his judgment of his next door neighbors who he had determined were "just plain weird".  He had even blamed them for a serious incident that could never possibly have been their fault. Using the tool I had given the participants, Joe unpacked his judgment by noting:
1. what his neighbors actually do out of which he judges them
    weird
2. his feelings that come up when he thinks about his
    neighbors
3. the needs of his that are not being met in his predicament
    with his neighbor.
Then he tried to imagine:
1. what his neighbors' feelings might be
2. what needs his neighbors are trying to meet.

Joe generously shared with his colleagues and co-workers what he learned from his reflection. He started by saying it was very difficult for him to "nail" what his neighbors actually do out of which he judges them as weird.  He'd come up with some behaviors, but then rejected a lot of them as assumptions he had made and not fact.  He found it helpful to own what his feelings and needs are behind his judgment of his neighbors. He felt dislike for his neighbors and a bit unnerved and resentful.  Among others, his needs for cooperation and reliability were not being met. Then he said that, to his surprise, he was able to imagine what some of his neighbors' feelings and needs might be and that some probably were the same as his own.

Obviously, Joe gave up thinking about his neighbors as weird. Right?  No!  He'd shake his head in dismay thinking about them. "I still think they're weird", he said, "but, I see now that it's me who's got to change, not them."  Weird!  A simple little word that belies a tight grip on our judgments about others. Joe at least experienced a loosening in that grip. He committed to letting "weird" be a cue to try to replace his judgment with curiosity. He was willing now to at least explore the path to respect and understanding of his neighbors next door.  May we all go with courage on that path!
  

Our first Fearless Conversations exploration is on March 7, 10:00 - 12:00 in Belmont, CA.  If you would like to participate, you would be most welcome; let me know and I will give you more details.

More people are interested in co-hosting other conversations. I will be sharing information about those as they are set-up.

For those who would appreciate a reminder, these conversations are explorations of how we can talk to one another about polarizing and sensitive political, religious and social issues.  Often we stop ourselves because we don't want to offend, be impolite, get defensive, or argue.  But we have much to gain in learning from and supporting one another when we talk about concerns that really matter to us.

Co-hosting these conversations is about taking the part of inviting, not doing a lot of work!  The inviting can be as simple as a few friends, colleagues or interested folks you know.

When we explore, we don't start out necessarily knowing a lot about what is going to happen.  Two things I do know:
1. There will be no fee for my facilitation services for these
    conversations.
2. My facilitation will serve these basic purposes:
    a) to support participants in learning from what matters most

        to one another; 
    b) to focus on new ways to see and hear, not on old problems
        to solve;
    c) to create a rich sharing of different points-of-view. 

I would love to talk with you about co-hosting one or more of these conversations.  Please call me at 650-218-2861 or e-mail: shyrl@fearlessconversations.org.


  

You may not know that Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) died in early February.  For the last fifty years, he was the guiding force behind the growing practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) all over the world.  If you do not know him, I hope you will take a moment to read about him. 

Sometimes people are reluctant to use and cannot appreciate the term "Nonviolent Communication". I think it's useful to explain its connection to Gandhi and its root in the ancient Sanskrit word ahimsa.  Exact translation is nearly impossible; it connotes: support of all life . . . life enriching . . . love in action.  Nonviolent Communication is a practice and a consciousness that focuses on two questions: What is alive in me/ in you?  How can I/ we make life wonderful?  For Marshall Rosenberg, these two life-supporting questions are questions that matter; they are at the heart of creating peace in our relationships, our workplaces and in our world.