"I never saw you that way before!" This was an Aha! moment in a group of friends who have known one another more than half their lives. The Aha! moment cut through a misunderstanding that had niggled around the edges of their friendship for nearly two years. One of them (call her "Mary") had experienced a personal trauma.  At the time, all of Mary's friends had assumed that she was handling her extraordinary situation "just fine" when, in fact, Mary was terrified and longing for them to see how scared she was. They had reached out to Mary in the best ways they knew how, but two years later, all of them, each for their own reasons, were still dissatisfied with how they had lived through the experience together.  What a gift it was to be able, finally, to talk about their confusion and sadness!  

What happened? They had gathered for a few sessions to learn about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®. They were having fun discovering and talking about their different personality preferences. The Aha! moment dawned when the friends could see how Mary had handled her personal trauma, two years ago, with a combination of personality preferences very different from theirs. Their love for one another had carried them through, but now they saw one another in a new light. They were eager to talk about how they had missed seeing Mary's extraordinary worry behind her normal "in-charge" manner.  Some of the friends could finally see how their offers of help and advice did not meet Mary's needs for support, understanding - indeed, her need for empathy.  With some new tools for talking about those needs and the assumptions they had made, they could give Mary the empathy they had always wanted to give her.  

 

Personally, I like to think of myself as an empathetic person.  I assume we all do.  But giving empathy is much harder than we think.  For one thing, it requires a paradigm shift -- a shift from seeking first to be understood to seeking first to understand.  According to renowned psychologist Carl Rogers: "We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy.  Yet, listening of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know."   Even though Rogers was talking to fellow therapists, I think his reflections and teaching are applicable to all of us who want to offer the gift of empathy in our world.

Rogers gives us a tool for giving empathy when he says:
"Empathy is saying to someone:
Stopping to say: "I want to know, am I with you?" can make a difference as to whether or not a person feels seen. Those few little words can create the light by which we see another person and by which we are seen ourselves.

The practice of giving and receiving empathy is central to a Fearless Conversations Retreat. In most workplaces and organizations where I facilitate processes and meetings, people are doing their best to do their jobs, participate in numerous meetings, and interface with their public - all while living the rest of their lives, as well.  They tolerate and manage stress coming at them from many directions.  It is a gift to take some time away from work to support one another, to give and receive empathy.  In a Fearless Conversations Retreat participants give their attention to opportunities to create openness, trust, enjoyment, ease, kindness and fun together.

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