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Welcome to the monthly Fearless Conversations newsletter -- information and ideas to support and inspire us to create a world in which fearless conversations are common in our workplaces and communities, in our families and among friends.
Thank you for reading and for sharing this newsletter
with others.
Shyrl
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Conversation or Shark* Tank?
Have you ever opted out of something because you didn't feel listened to? If so, did you tell anyone you didn't feel listened to? In my experience, saying "I don't feel listened to" is one of the hardest things for people to express in the workplace and in organizations. So, I was surprised to hear these words in a most unexpected place -- on the TV show Shark Tank.  The "shark tank" is a panel of five venture capitalists in front of whom entrepreneurs pitch their products and services in the hope of securing an investment. Occasionally, the "sharks" do make deals, but, typically, they find weaknesses and faults in the entrepreneurs' concepts, presentations, or business models. One by one they give their reasons for not negotiating a deal, declaring: ". . . for that reason, I am out." Because their reasons for opting out usually are tied to negative return on investment, I was shocked when one of the sharks gave her reason as: "I don't feel listened to. For that reason, I am out." Over!
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My surprise was that this venture capitalist gave her reasoning with an expression of feeling rather than return-on-investment logic. At the same time, I was struck by the seamless connection between not feeling listened to and opting out. She had tried to engage the  entrepreneur in some questioning and possibilities, but he sounded arrogant and defensive in his responses. Watching, I was wishing he would "calm down" and listen to her.
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None of us would want to liken our workplaces and organizations to a shark tank, but we can take a reminder from the shark in this show. For her there was no risk in saying "I don't feel listened to" and then opting out, practically in the same breath. But for us there often is some risk involved, at least perceived, if not real.  If the feeling of not being listened to remains unspoken, it's not unusual for it to build to the point of a decision to opt out -- psychologically and/or physically. There's no two-way conversation in a shark tank, but in our workplaces and organizations we can initiate and maintain conversations that create some space between not feeling listened to and opting out. Here are a couple of practices I use.
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First, "I don't feel listened to" is more of an expression of judgment than of feeling; it is a soft way of saying: "You don't (or didn't) listen to me.". It is helpful to stop and ask ourselves what actually happens when we conclude that another person is not listening to us. When we look at the facts of a situation,  we give ourselves breathing room to open to the possibility that a need of ours isn't being met, such as a basic need to be respected, to matter, to be understood, to be appreciated, to be reassured. Chances are our real feeling is one of frustration, irritation, discouragement or resentment. To create space between not being listened to and opting out, it is best to initiate a timely conversation in which we can express our real needs and feelings to get past the judgment about not being listened to. For example, if it had been a conversation, I can imagine the venture capitalist initiating it by saying to the entrepreneur: "Twice I have offered suggestions and alternatives for your consideration. Each time you have responded by saying 'yes, but' and re-stating your plan.  I need to know if you value my experience. I'm getting irritated. Will you please tell me if you want to hear any more ideas from me?" Too much trouble? Too many words? Too much time? If we're in a shark tank - yes. In a conversation - no.
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Secondly, even though it's not a true expression of feeling, I've concluded we need to ask often and in many ways: "Do you feel listened to?". I'm thinking especially of times when we are planning or making decisions. The entrepreneur wouldn't have asked the venture capitalist if she felt listened to; but, if it were a conversation and not the shark tank, I wonder if they eventually would have made a deal. We "make deals" of sorts when we plan or make decisions together. But we need to consider that everyone involved may not be or consider themselves to be equally powerful. It's not unusual to find out afterwards that someone didn't feel listened to and actually opted out along the way, without saying so. Execution of the plan or the decision then becomes a problem. We can ask "Are you feeling listened to?" in ways that take it out of the realm of judgment, e.g. "Is there anything else that really matters to you that we haven't talked about? Are you feeling satisfied? Are you pleased . . . comfortable . . . confident?"
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In a shark tank we don't have much choice about being  listened to or opting out. It's not safe. In our workplaces and organizations we can initiate conversations in which it is safe to say: "I don't feel listened to." or to ask: "Do you feel listened to?" We can choose to have those fearless conversations.
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* This article employs a stereotypical image of sharks as aggressive and even deadly. They are known for having the most powerful jaws on the planet. We are all aware of shark attacks on human beings, but, I want to acknowledge that reports
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Fearless Conversations Retreats
Explore basic practices and processes that will help your organization develop its
capacity to engage in "fearless conversations". These retreats
are great opportunities for
faculties, staffs, management or leadership teams, boards, faith
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Click here for more information.
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| Thank You!
I appreciate your connecting me with non-profit service organizations, schools, faith communities, small-to-mid-size businesses. Typically, I contract for design and facilitation of visioning or team-building retreats, strategic planning, meeting facilitation, transition planning, design and facilitation of decision-making processes.
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