Please note: When originally published, this article started with a link to a ZITS cartoon that is no longer available online. The main character - Jeremy - is a fifteen year old. The point is too good to lose so I'm summarizing the cartoon here. The first three frames are pictures of Jeremy's brain dancing, celebrating, having a great time. In the last frame, his girlfriend is holding his assignment or test exclaiming : "You got a 98% and you're not even excited??" Jeremy, apparently nonchalant, answers: "Cool on the outside, party on the inside."
I admit I love this cartoon because I am what is commonly known as an introvert. Lots of times I do have a "party" going on inside. I don't necessarily want to keep it all to myself, but most of the time you wouldn't know about it unless you ask me. That's just the way it is. According to the theory behind the
Myers-Briggs Type IndicatorŪ (MBTIŪ), introversion and extraversion are two aspects of personality that we all have in us. However, people are built with a preference for one and, so, we use the terms* "extraverts" and "introverts". When I do
MBTIŪ workshops or training, it is always an Aha!-moment when participants see that asking and interrupting are basic tools that accommodate communication differences between extraversion and introversion.
Consider this recent exchange between two colleagues. The extravert offered: "Let me just throw out some ideas -- sort of like spaghetti against the wall -- see if anything sticks." After a few minutes she stopped and asked her introvert colleague what he thought about any of her ideas: "Did anything stick?" To which the answer was: "You know about the spaghetti and the wall? I feel like the wall!" Good may come out of this exchange, but it will take longer than it would have if the introvert had interrupted. The time for the introvert to speak up was as soon as he began to feel like a wall plastered with wet spaghetti. He could have said something like: "You know, your ideas are sticking, but I'm beginning to lose interest. Could we stop to talk about some of the ideas you've mentioned so far?" By not interrupting, the introvert essentially disengaged from the conversation. The purpose in interrupting is
not to cut-off another person, but to maintain connection with the other. Commonly, introverts feel difficulty in getting a word in edge-wise or worry about offending someone; but , if they wait too long and speak out of frustration or anxiety, they risk being misinterpreted and not heard for their intent.
On the other hand, extraverts think out loud (party on the outside, as it were). Often they don't stop to ask what others are hearing. One extravert on a management team with four introverts complained that "they don't say anything, so I just keep talking - and louder!" This situation was extraordinarily stressful for him, to the point of his beginning to doubt his effectiveness and his value for the company. Everyone was relieved to realize they were caught in a typical struggle between extraverts and introverts and that they could
accommodate the needs of both. The first step for the extravert was to get into the practice of asking for feedback or response in a timely way. For him "timely" meant asking at the moment he felt the impulse to keep on talking when no one had jumped in to speak.
Asking and interrupting are not just extravert-introvert tools. They work both ways! Either way, they enhance and maintain connection with another person. When we ask, we express curiosity about another person; we show we care; we suspend our assumptions and stereotypes. When we interrupt, we are honest about what we need in order to stay present and responsive to another person. Each way we have the chance of having a party together!
* I want to acknowledge that the terms "extravert" and "introvert" are sometimes trivialized and misused as labels and stereotypes. Nevertheless, they are common terms that give recognition to basic differences in people. I hope my use of these familiar terms sheds light on two opposite orientations, with like needs, but different strategies to meet them.
