If Only . . .
The three day meeting had gone well. The mountains of business had been climbed more smoothly than anticipated. Participants had enjoyed lively meal conversations; they still were talking happily about the fun evening activities. Now we were in a little down-time before the formal wrapping up of the meeting. "A penny for your thoughts", inquired one of the participants (I will call him Joe). My thoughts were pretty much what I just described to you. Joe agreed and then, shaking his head, lamented: "If only - those personalities!" He did not explain what he meant except to express some dismay and frustration about dealing with "difficult personalities". I was surprised because Joe himself has a long history of being considered a difficult personality among his colleagues. So - if only, what?
Joe does not want everyone to be just like him, but he truly does see others who are very different from him as difficult personalities. A lot of us do the same, in some way or another! When we judge someone as a difficult personality we are in a moment of choice to either work with the differences we encounter or work around them. Working around the differences costs time, energy and, in many cases, money. Working with the differences affords us opportunities to discover ways to understand one another and to create more ease in relating and working together.
As is true in many settings, people want to avoid expressions
and manifestations of volatility. Avoiding volatility certainly was a goal of the planners of this meeting and they succeeded. However, the fear of volatility remains. Joe seemed to understand that.
Volatile behavior can be downright abusive, but most often when we worry about volatility we are worrying about clashes of differences -- different opinions, different personality styles, different preferences, different this-and-that. We want to avoid clashes and can do that, but fear of clashes puts ourselves and others in a box, limiting what is possible. "If only" is an invitation to try something different -- maybe like saying something as straightforward as: "I'm sensing we are going to clash about this, but I'd like to try to share my perspective and hear yours. Can we take a few minutes to talk?"
Whatever we can say to change the energy in tense situations gives an opening to connection with others, even if it's messy. "If only" is an invitation to use our fear to tune into what is most alive in us and in others. Joe was not alone in his discouragement about communication and relationships in the organization. Before the meeting ended, he initiated a conversation with some of his colleagues that could be a life-giving turning point in how they do business and how they relate to one another. I don't know if it's true, but I can imagine that they were surprised as anyone that the opening came from Joe. Here's to listening to our "if only" voices!
