Ellen Dail - 6th grade & 7th grade A-L
Tanya Moseley - 7th grade M-Z & 8th grade
Book Review
The St Johns County School Counselor Professional Learning Community reviewed "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Jim Fay this month. We wanted to share with you the summary that Mrs. Warren, the school counselor at Ketterlinus Elementary, wrote for one of her newsletters. This book is wonderful and practical! It is most appropriate for parents of elementary and middle school students but still has a lot to offer to parents of high school students.
Parenting With Love and Logic
As a parent I was well versed in the areas of positive phrasing and tried hard to omit words such as "NO!" "Can't", "Won't" and other negative words when disciplining our children. I read all about natural and logical consequences, and memorized excerpts of The Strong Willed Child. I got to be pretty good at giving the girls choices and setting up the consequences, but I crumbled as soon as my strong willed child resisted my attempts to enforce the agreed upon consequences. I spent many sleepless nights questioning how a child that I loved more than life itself could make me feel so powerless, inadequate, and frustrated! (I suspect that she also spent many nights devising new and unique ways to try.)
As I have researched and explored resources that could be helpful for our students and their families, I have come across some wonderful resources that sure would have been useful when I was parenting our two daughters. Among my favorite resources is the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Jim Fay (a parent and elementary school principal) and Dr. Foster Cline (a child psychologist). In an attempt to share with you what I have learned that I wish I had known then, here are a few 'pearls of wisdom':
Love and logic parenting has two basic rules:
Rule # 1 = Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats.
Rule # 2 = When a child causes a problem, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that does not make a problem for others.
*When your child has created a problem through misbehavior or mistake, help him/her learn the consequences from the mistake by empathizing, brainstorming possible solutions to the problem, and discussing possible consequences of repeating the mistake. Give your child permission to solve it or not solve it. For example, your child comes home with a poor report card. After having the discussion about what the child can do to improve the grades, let your child know that you will love them no matter how long it takes them to get through elementary school (or whatever grade they are currently in) and that you are always available to assist if needed.
*Use natural consequences whenever possible.
*Impose consequences that allow you to take care of yourself. "Effective consequences that parents impose make the child think about their actions and make the parent feel better." The consequences often include isolation or having the child perform extra chores around the house to "pay the parents back". For example, if the child is late and misses the school bus and you have to drive him/her to be on time. (Yes, I know this takes an incredible amount of self-control to save the lecture and lesson for later.) After school when your child wants you to do something try saying: "I'm sorry, but since I had to drive you to school this morning, my energy is drained". Take this opportunity to suggest that energy could be replaced by doing some extra chore around the house that you were planning to do after school. After a few times of letting the consequences do the teaching, even the strong willed child will get the message!
*Don't remind about what needs to be done, or the consequences of non-compliance or of not completing the requirement. Reminders communicate the underlying message that you are afraid they are not capable. Adopting a posture of no reminders conveys a strong underlying message that translates into "I'm sure you'll remember on your own, but if you don't you will surely learn something from the experience." Parents who feel the need to be 'The Reminder" raise children who develop the attitude Jim Fay calls the "No Sense in Both of Us Worrying about it" syndrome.
Remember that when you have to enforce a consequence, always do it with empathy. For example, when your child doesn't do the class work correctly at school and has to bring it home as homework, you could say something like, "I'm sorry that it worked out the way it did. I'm sure it's no fun having to do the work over again." or, "I'm so sorry that you won't get to go to the ballgame tonight. I know how much you were looking forward to going." (You may have to practice saying this without sounding sarcastic. Sarcasm would be more hurtful than helpful.)
*It is OK to say 'NO' to your kids and mean it. When you say 'no' and your kids ask 'Why', don't expect your kids to thank you and understand your reasoning. If they don't like your decision, they surely won't like the reasons! Children need to test the limits to make sure they are firm. When limits are firm, children learn to creatively move within the established limits. When limits are not firm, children spend their energy testing the limits.
Most parents are pleasantly surprised to learn how easy and effective it is to enforce consequence with understanding. Consistency and perseverance on your part pay off in the long run, but in the short run, strong willed children are often slow learners when it comes to learning how to take responsibility for actions. Consider it a one-year plan to learn in a safe, caring, environment for lifetime results.
P.S. Just in case you're wondering, our girls are both happy, well adjusted young women. They assure me that it's not necessarily because of our good parenting, but in spite of our parenting! Now that our strong willed one is the parent of an even stronger willed daughter, I'm ecstatic!
Parenting With Love and Logic
Ever find yourself in the middle of an argument or power struggle with your child? Do you find yourself believing that your child was born knowing exactly how to 'push your buttons' and engage you in arguments with the sole purpose of getting you to give them exactly what they want when they want it? Reasoning with an angry arguing child is like fighting a fire with gasoline! Love and Logic parenting offers a technique that allows you to respond without taking the hook and arguing with the child. Jim Fay, author of Parenting with Love and Logic suggests you try one of the following one-liners and repeat it as often as needed until the child gives up trying to engage you in a 'no-win' argument. You might want to practice these in front of the mirror so you can say these with genuine compassion, empathy, and understanding. "I love/respect you too much to argue". "Thanks for sharing", "I'll bet it feels that way." "I know." "What do you think you're going to do?" "Nice try." or "I don't know. What do you think?" _**Warning**Any of the above statements delivered with sarcasm would not work and may be more hurtful than helpful!
*There is a difference between punishment and consequences. "Punishment hurts the child from the outside in, while consequences help the child realistically hurt from the inside out." When a child is punished and sent to his room, he tends to spend the time in the room being angry at the parent who sent him there, devising plans to not get caught next time and/or feeling bad about himself. When a child goes to his room as a consequence, he spends his time thinking about his actions and is mad at himself. (That's a good thing.)
The hard part AND the best part is enforcing the consequences when the child does not follow through with the choice he/she has made. Your job is to set clear boundaries and your child's job is to make the right choice. Your golden opportunity is when your child test the limits by pouting whining, complaining, arguing, stomping, throwing things, and/or talking back. The love and logic parent empathizes but continues to enforce the limit. Consider what your response would be to the child who made the decision to watch TV after school even though he had a paper due for school the next day. Many good parents would discuss the paper and the child's plan for getting it done by the due date and be available to assist if needed. The love and logic parent would do that and resist the temptation to remind or nag about the assignment. As the drama unfolds on the morning the paper is due and is still unfinished, the child begs to be allowed to stay at home 'sick' so he can finish the paper. The good parent might then leap into the sermon on responsibility. The love and logic parent would respond by saying something like "Oh no! I'm sure glad that's not my late assignment. I hope it doesn't mess up your final grade too much. I know how hard you have been working to improve your grades." When the child persist in the quest to stay home sick, the love and logic parent might respond by saying, "I'd feel the same way if I hadn't finished this project I'm doing for my work. But, under the circumstances, try to have the best day you can."
Children learn to make responsible decisions by having lots of opportunities to make age appropriate decisions and choices about little things while they are still young. When a child makes a wrong decision the costs of the mistake is relatively small compared to the cost of making adult mistakes. Choices define the limits and are delivered through what Jim Fay calls 'enforceable statements such as "I'll listen to you as soon as your voice is as calm as mine." or "I listen to people who do not yell at me." teaches your child how you want to be talked to. "You are welcome to join us for ice cream as soon as your room is clean" puts the focus on the enjoyable family activity leaving the child to make the decision about the chore. "Be sure you eat enough to hold you until morning" addresses the whining child refusing to eat dinner. "Feel free to go outside and play as soon as you have finished your homework." does not include the choice of whether or not to do the homework.
Love and logic parenting emphasizes the responsibility of the child to make responsible decisions. Empathy along with consequences is crucial! When your child messes up, you have the choice to get angry, punish, or lecture, but your sincere love and concern will deliver the lesson that decisions have consequences and that you believe in their ability to solve their own problems.
Next month the school counselors will be reviewing three books for children. Milton's Secret by Eckhart Tolle. What to do when your Brain Gets Stuck by Dawn Heubner. What to do when your Temper Flares by Dawn Heubner.
Suicides in St. Johns County
The Adolescent Suicide Awareness & Prevention Project Director (DanielKids.org) came to speak with the School Counselors in the district. The statistics they shared with us surprised and saddened us. St Johns County has one of the highest suicide rates per capital in the state of Florida and while the majority of the cases are in adults we have teens who have taken their own life. It is EVERYONE'S responsibility to be informed and to act if any signs of possible suicide are noticed. Suicide can be stopped if the we listen, ask the question (have you or are you thinking of killing yourself?) and act with love, understanding and compassion! Clues and warning signs to suicide come in several forms, but once understood they are not difficult to recognize. Once clue or warning sign may not mean a great deal, but any warning sign suggesting acute distress, despair, or hopelessness about the future, or a desire to "end it all" is worth asking about.
Most people who are thinking of suicide as an option are depressed and if detected it is highly treatable. Symptoms of depression include wishing to be dead, nervousness, crying, inability to concentrate, poor sleep, fatigue, irritability and a general or specific loss of interest in friends, food and fun. Any sudden "happiness" in someone who has been depressed for a long time should alert you to the need to ask if if he/she is thinking of killing him/herself or thinking about suicide. For more information on depression and suicide prevention please visit the Mental Health America web page at www.mhajax.org or talk to your doctor, school counselor or pediatrician.
PACT News
If adults in our area had to take a test on the "at risk" youth culture terms, items and products we would surely fail. Do you know what the following items are?
-Sparks and Tilt = Alcoholic energy drinks.
-Alcopop = Sweet soda pop type drinks containing alcohol.
-Flip Cup = Drinking game.
-Reef = A surf sandal company. Some sandals include a bottle opener or a stash pocket that teens may use to hide drugs in.
-Sizzurp = Drink made with codine cough syrup, jolly rancher and fruit soda.
-Seedless = Clothing company that glorifies marijuana use.
-SRH - Supporting Radical Habits (clothing company), including extreme sports, sex and drug use.
-DGK = Dirty Getto Kids - skateboard company for urban/ethnic skaters. Several skate decks include various marijuana references.
-ICP = Insane Clown Possy - Music group that romanticizes violence and drug use.
-420 = April 20, 4-20 is a n clfjjjnational smoke day/time.
-SPICE = synthetic marijuana marketed as incense to escape FDA regulations (K2, Spice, Blow Out..) and was sold at most convenient stores.
-Diversion Safe or "Safe" - a common object hollowed out or altered in order to conceal contraband in the obvious.
-Erowid - website about different drugs, effects, dosage, etc.. Do not share this site with your youngsters. This is a website for ADULTS.
-Head shop = OK, most adults would know what this one is and know that there are many stores in St Johns County that carry paraphernalia and designer drugs.
The PACT Prevention Coalition does not endorse or agree with these products or their websites and we are providing them as an informational source. The more you know, the more you can prevent!
It is the parent's responsibility to be aware of their child's grades on an ongoing basis by going on the Parent Assist account. If you do not have your password, you must send in a copy of your drivers license and a signed parent waiver (you can download it from our website) with your child to Ms. Miller in Guidance. If you have a question about an assignment, please check your child's planner and/or go to the teacher's class webpage on our website, with your child present, to try to find the answer. If you still have a question then email the teacher.
