BRAIN REWIRING: ADDING TO THE PARENT TOOL BOX
BY MARY ANN ABBOTT, PARENT CONSULTANT, NORTH SEATTLE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
Yea! I have a new kitchen! But, I am living in the past. I still hunt for my baking dishes in the wrong drawer. A failure every time, yet I still go there. It's a behavior from the past--a learned "groove" which needs to adapt and change. Brain scientists say that's rewiring my brain.
This reminds me of what happens with parenting. Often, as parents, we want to use new ideas, but in the heat of daily life, we slip back to the old, less successful, ways of guiding our children.
New Year's resolution enthusiasts suggest making a list. They advocate a new, intentional focus: A clean slate. A new beginning. Starting over. Turning the page. Clearing the decks. A "do-over." A new lease on life. Reprogramming. The list involves trying something new and different or maybe just plain starting over. The goal is to be better at something --be more successful -- improve on the past. But, cynics remind us that it takes a lot of persistence and stamina to stick with the new resolves. The literature tells us that it can take anywhere from 21 days to 66 to change a habit and have a new one become almost automatic.
One writer offers three helpful suggestions for implementation.
1. Write down your plan.
2. Identify your triggers and the replacement habit.
3. Focus on doing the replacement habits every single time the triggers happen, for about 30 days.
One psychologist reminds us to include a reward for even small successes. Parents use positives to motivate children-why not give ourselves a reward for successfully using a new parenting tool? And then, we must remind ourselves not to give up too soon. Many parents have an honest desire to change some parenting behavior, try it for a while with strain and stress, and then give it up because it is hard to do-or--doesn't quickly bring results. Some parents then go on to another idea, and an unproductive cycle is in motion.
It's easy to fail, and our brain structure doesn't help us. Writer Rebecca Skloot discusses how difficult it is to rewire the brain, as she summarizes the research of psychologists Bruce Wexler and Michael Schlund. Check it out at http://www.oprah.com/health/How-to-Change-Your-Bad-Habits/7 . (Please ignore a word in the subtitle!)Wexler says, "The more we understand what we're up against, the more we can develop strategies to help us work with our brains and change successfully." Adults need to work harder than children because there's less plasticity in an adult brain!
I offer one parenting suggestion for the new year from Positive Discipline Guru Jane Nelsen: When talking to your children, "ASK," rather than "TELL." Her thesis is when children are "told" to do something, a resistance or shut down occurs. It can happen with adults as well. Nelsen suggests when a child is asked, "What is next in your bedtime routine," rather than being told, "Go to bed," that the child's brain searches for answer and some problem solving/life skills are being developed. Additional "TELLING" examples can be found on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=It4kVkPzHwY.
Hopefully, some of these ideas will come to mind for any changes and/or upgrades in the 2013 Parent Tool Box.
|