I want to begin by saying that no matter what situation you are in, God will use it to your benefit.   He promises us that He "has plans to prosper us, not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)   Each and every thing you have ever gone through has been a part of His ultimate plan.   Sometimes, it's hard to see why we are in the situation that we are in, hard to see past it, and hard to see a way out.  But God is our Savior, and He will rescue you from the deepest, darkest pit. 

Last year, I was in a relationship that was both physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse I suffered was nothing compared to the emotional abuse I endured and survived through God's provision alone.   I was told I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough.  I'm not loveable.  I'm not worthy of friendship.  The list of "I'm not" goes on and on and didn't end until the relationship did.  I stayed in that relationship with the belief that God was using me in that person's life.  I just knew that although they were bringing me down, I had to have had some sort of positive impact on their life. 

After going through months of emotional torment, I started to believe what that person was saying was true.  I mean they were my one true friend...right? I thought this person was being honest with me about how much I didn't measure up.  I trusted this person's opinion of me, and I pushed all my other friends away thinking I was doing them a favor because I wasn't good enough for them.  I began to believe that I wasn't worthy of any type of love: the love of family, the love of friends, etc. What is most heartbreaking was that I didn't believe I was worthy of the love of God.  I became really quiet and reserved and I hated being around other people, which will be hard to believe for those who know me.  Oh, but when I was around others, I was great at putting on a mask and pretending everything was going perfectly.  Outward appearances deceive.  Living an hour away from my parents, I was able to deter any fears of theirs by a quick text or phone call saying, "I'm great! I love it here.  Don't worry about me, I'm fine...."  While on the inside, I was contemplating suicide.  I was beyond depressed and no one knew it but me.  I remember crying out to God saying "Just take me now; I don't want to live anymore...I don't know what I'm doing or who I am anymore...I. just. Want. It. All. To. End."  That is seriously the worst feeling: Only being 21-years-old and feeling like you have nothing to live for is rough, to say the least.  I almost went further than feeling that way.  I almost accepted it.

Finally, I gained the strength to end that relationship, but I hit a few rough patches and started looking for love in all the wrong places.  I made a few minor mistakes, but I knew the whole time that this phase was not God's plan for me.  I was looking for attention, trying to prove to myself that someone could love me for me. I wanted someone to love me that wouldn't make me feel like I had to change anything about myself.

            I remember after ending those meaningless relationships, I felt awful about what I'd allowed myself to become.  I was a fake.  I was doing whatever I had to do to make people want to hang out with me.  After attending a City Church service where Dean preached on letting go of our guilt, and looking to our Savior to be rescued, I knew it was time to let go of all the baggage I was carrying around, and start being the real me again.  I was reminded that God created me for a purpose, He loves me and He has a plan for me, and I am worthy of love.  I am because HE IS. 

It was time to put my faith into action; I knew I had to trust Him to get me out of the pit I was in.  I got involved on the First Impressions team and met some of the most tremendous people.  I felt like I belonged and I knew that the people on that team genuinely cared about me.  After working with the First Impressions team for a month or so, I started volunteering in the Kids ministry.  I have never felt so loved and appreciated in my life.  City Church is my home and I am so blessed to be a part of it.    If going through that abuse and that depression is what it took to get me plugged in at City Church, I would go through it all over again --- in an instant.  Being a part of this church is simply the greatest thing God has ever led me to. 

One thing I know for sure is that God loves you and He has a plan for your life.  I can say this with bold confidence, because I've been there and I'm living His plan out now.  Trust Him! It's amazing where He will lead you and always, always remember this: You are worthy of love.