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Tools You Can Use!
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Rewrite History
Try using this technique when in conflict with another person.
Write/type the dialogue between the two of you. Word for word.
Switch your role for the other persons. Read their words as if you were saying them.
Consider what they may have meant vs what they said. Consider how you could have responded with this new insight.
What action can you do now to change the outcome? Can you apologize or take responsibility for something? Can you explain your point of view differently?
Give it a try!
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Reminder!
Check out more articles and topics on my Blog.
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| Something to think about...
In what way are you most/least like your parents?
... and what would you change?
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 Time to celebrate ~
August is Admit You're Happy Month, Eye Exam Month, Nat'l Picnic Month, and 8/13-8/24 is Friendship Week
Notable Dates:
8/12 - Middle Child Day
8/15 - Relaxation Day
8/22 - Be An Angel Day
8/25 - Kiss & Make Up Day
8/27 - Global Forgiveness Day
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September is Nat'l Courtesy Month, Self Improvement Month, and Hispanic Heritage Month
Notable Dates:
8/5 - Be Late For Something Day
8/8 - Grandparents Day
8/10 - Swap Ideas Day
8/16 - Step Family Day
8/19 - Talk Like a Pirate Day
8/28 - As a Stupid Question Day
These are just a few for fun and information sharing!
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Quick Links...
720-879-8343
720-420-9450
2103 S. Wadsworth Blvd, Suite 107 Lakewood, CO 80227 |
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Coming Soon...
in a newsletter to you!
Boundaries
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Self-Esteem
Divorce
Friendships Communication
Holiday Survival Parenting
Blended Families Workplace Issues
Stress
Grief/Loss
Feelings
Chronic Illness
Distortions
Aging Parents
And much more! |
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Hello!
Guess what? I took July off! I had to. It was a crazy month to say the least. I hope your July was enjoyable or at a minimum - manageable!
With that said, I have a few questions. Do you all prefer monthly or every other month? Are you missing the GRIEF article section? I know some of you have expressed a newsletter week but I really cannot handle that. But I have decided to be more committed and consistent with the blogs - at least 2 a week. As for the GRIEF section, I took that out at the first of the year, but as of late some of you have asked about it. I can pepper in FEATURE articles on the subject. Let me know what you want to see.
As promised in June, I've included an article on Infidelity. The questions were all over the place so I left it pretty vague. Perhaps in future editions I can narrow the topic more. There is a lot to cheating... a lot. I should offer a series of courses! I guess maybe that is why it should not be taken lightly!!!
Keep the questions coming - just drop me an email with your topic, situation, or question.
Take care, Tracey
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Talking Points on Infidelity
 You have heard the saying, "It takes two to tango." This applies to all relationships, the good and the bad. Answer me this: If your relationship is going well you share in that - why would you not believe you share in it if it is going badly? This, of course, is not to say that just because your relationship is struggling you are to 'blame' but it does say there are many factors that can/may be at play - you are one of those factors.
WHO CHEATS: Is it about you? Is it about your partner? I'm going to try to not stereotype this article with the man as the cheater. Although many articles, movies, books depict the man as the problem, studies show 50% of men and women admit to cheating.
WHY THEY CHEAT: You name it. Accident, just happened, didn't mean to, don't know how it happened... I've heard it all. But I've also been present when clients discuss their fears, shame, feeling alone. Sometimes the one cheated on encourages this behavior by their actions, sometimes they turn a blind eye. Sometimes the cheater wants change in their relationship sometimes they hide behind the security of their relationship to act out. Like I said, infidelity is as individual as the people in the relationship.
NEXT STEPS: As either the cheater or the cheated, you can decide to stay or go. Generally, people stay for a couple of reasons: money, history, children, and/or love. Getting past infidelity is difficult. It is not for others to decide for you, only you and your partner because you two are the ones doing the heavy lifting to get the proverbial train back on the tracks. Forgiveness will need to be exacted - this is done by listening, talking, and changing things in the relationship and yourself. ** note, things will never be the same.
With that said, generally speaking, people get out for a couple of reasons: money, history, children, and/or love. Get it?! Think about it, the same arguments have opposing sides and those rationales are just as sound as staying. If you go, you and you alone get to decide because you will be the one dealing with the fallout. Forgiveness will still be necessary - look inside and out; and change things in yourself and your relationships. ** note, things will never be the same.
SUMMARY: Infidelity changes things about ourselves and how we are in relationships from this point on and should not be taken lightly, whatever the role you play, be accountable for your own actions. If you decide to cheat, know you are hurting someone and that you are making a conscious decision to do just that. If you are the cheated, know that you need to do some reflection and consideration for your own part in the relationship - not the infidelity. Hear me right - you cannot make someone cheat on you but you are in the relationship with the cheater.
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Divorce: What not to do to your kids
Divorce is a very adult decision that affects everyone; the kids, the pets, the friends, the in-laws and the out-laws. How do you get through such a huge life event without screwing it up?
First, know you will, inevitably, make mistakes. You will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing to someone, somewhere. But start with the following tips on how NOT to make mistakes with your children.
This is an excerpt from an article from divorce expert M. Gary Neuman for WebMD:
* Don't make your child the messenger. Everyone knows the messenger is the one shot - do not put your child in the firing line. Use email or pick up the phone. Worse case, communicate through your lawyer.
* Do not make your child your therapist. You may need someone on you side or to validate your feelings - your child is not that person. Find a friend, family member, or counselor to be your sounding board.
* Don't tell your children what to think or feel about the divorce or the other parent. Never criticize your ex as they personalize this as part of them is bad. Listen to your children, try to understand what they feel, help them sort out their fears without offering your own.
* Don't interrogate your child about the other parent. You would not like your ex digging into your private life, do not ask your children for information. Ask how the visit, vacation, or weekend was and let it go.
* Don't ignore your mistakes. Take accountability for your actions and apologize. Be a good role model for your children and take the high road.
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Universal Truth
 Faith
Def: unquestioned belief in something, complete trust, confidence, loyalty.
Trusting in something, even when common sense tells you not to. Trust your instincts - gut feeling. Have faith in yourself and your decisions. Know you will be ok.
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How We Look at Our Parents
Few relationships have more life-long conflict and distress than those associated with our parents. The discord can strongly continue even if they are no longer liver or we are grown adults.
From the beginning we can almost expect to be disappointed by them, partly because we fail to understand they are not perfect but simply human.
Yes...tragically some parents do very destructive damage to their children including physical, sexual, verbal or psychological abuse. However, most parents truly do the very best they can with the "tools in the toolbox" that were past down to them. These are the parents I hope you embrace. The important concept I want you to remember is we often spend way too much time and energy expecting too much of our parents and blaming them for what we consider was inadequate and or damage they have done in our lives.
When we do this negative consequences often occur, such as severing ties with our parents as well as spending a lifetime blaming our own failures on them. We don't learn to forgive and this can also affect our ability to love not only ourselves but also other people in our lives.
So... how can we quit this suffering and come to terms with our relationship with our parents? To begin with, stop being a victim and let the past be the past. It's important to accept and forgive what may or may not have happened and you cannot go back to your childhood to fill that emptiness or hurt. Willingly let it go and grieve what you need to.
Attempt to acknowledge that most parents truly love their children, even if it is difficult to express their love and commitment. Acknowledge and accept them for what they were able to give.
Lastly, learn to express your appreciation for what you were given by your parents. Celebrate and honor them and be thankful for their good intentions and sacrifices as imperfect people. Don't just remember their mistakes.
Real life can often hurt and disappoint ... these experiences can often be a gift for growth, strength and opportunity.
By Janelle Womack, MA LPC NCC
303-808-5492
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Thank you for your interest in receiving solid information, tips, and tools for Relationships, Divorce Recovery, Remarriage and Step-Parenting; and special topics related to Chronic Illness and Grief & Loss.
The Hope Digest aims to provide guidance and support to help you maneuver through the inevitable struggles that will appear in your life from time to time.
Everyone can use a champion who has their back! Please consider me YOUR champion and relationship specialist. Together we can partner, prepare, plan, and practice your next steps. Whether you are thinking of dating, remarrying, becoming a step-parent, or you are a biological parent to a step child, you can be happy AND a good parent. You can heal, break old relationship patterns, and trust in love again.
I invite your comments and questions! Let me know what you need and how I can help. |
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