Difficult choices and your teenager. (lots of requests for teen parenting ideals.)
Anyone with a teenager is straddling the fence of whether to be the "Chinese tiger" mom and push an agenda or the laze faire parent who says that they will figure it out on their own.
I find that a mix of both to be useful. Kids want structure and rules even if they don't know it. No boundaries equates to fear and a lack of parental love. Rigid boundaries that are an attempt to control their existence is an acknowledgement of the parent that they are fearful and do not trust the child. This signal is suppressing their growth and identity. They will either follow it resentfully and be meek or break against it like a rock to everyone's dismay. Neither is a good outcome.
I think back to my upbringing and the scenario in our house was strict with respect to religion and family. I do not remember any other dogmatic rules. My parents even let me choose drums when I know that that was not at ALL what they would have wanted me to play. My heart wanted drums, they would have loved a pianist. Unbeknownst to me that freedom to choose was empowering and served me well in my life.
As my oldest begins his ascent into the tweens, I am constantly reflecting on the things that make sense in parenting. Structure, empowerment, love, goals and an emphasis on health through nutrition, spirit and exercise.
The reality of parenting today is obviously vastly different from my parent's time, yet some aspects still make sense.
Nothing conquers a child's issues more than unconditional love and respect of who they are. When a child is suffering under the weight of identity angst, be there to listen and offer advice but do not judge their thoughts. They will know you are judging and you will lose the open channel that can help them heal. My parents were very good at letting me be me. Whatever phase I was in, they watched it go by. They gave their opinion, but they let me follow my direction. I knew that they were against certain choices, but that is where it ended.
Empower them to choose their path. If they find their passion, they are more likely to be successful. Guide them with options if they are stuck. Motivational interviewing works great here. What do you find exciting? What are you willing to work at to be great? Are you doing this for you?
House rules need to be spelled out. What are the chores and the family expectations? What are the consequences for a failure to comply? I think the LOVE AND LOGIC program works great here. Rules need to be reasonable. For example, thinking of last week's media discussion, a phone docking area in the kitchen after dinner is a reasonable rule for a family.
As part of these rules, make nutrition a top shelf issue. You make nutritious meals for them to eat. If they reject it, they wait for the next meal. Snacking is lost at that time. I cannot tell you the importance of this parenting ideal. Everything that I read keeps pointing to nutrition as the keeper of health and specifically the brain's health. Unhealthy American processed food diets are the root cause of the abnormal micro biome which drives mental dysfunction at the genetic and metabolic levels.
Dr. M
|