February 24, 2014
To Lie? Why do children do it?
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman tackle this topic in their new book Nurture Shock. They note that in multiple studies, most children begin to experiment with lying at age 4 years old and that parents are very poor at assessing whether a child is lying. Why would this be?
Children in general learn to lie to avoid a punishment or to gain something akin to praise or reward. This is not at all surprising since this is identical for adults.
We have a misconception that as a child ages they will learn to discern that a lie is wrong morally and then stop. Young children lie once an hour and parents often let these lies slide citing age and inability to know right from wrong. Parents will admonish the act that got them into trouble but not the cover up lie that followed. Subsequently, from her point of view, the lie was not a problem because it went undiscussed. If a child continues to lie and then starts to get away with transgressions, the table is set for trouble.
We fall into this trap early when we gloss over lies or have our own white lies that a child cannot conceivably discern as ok. An untruth is an untruth and if we sanction it then it must be ok.
The reasons that a child will choose to lie or refrain from lying are rooted more in whether they are reprimanded for lying, how they are reprimanded, whether they get caught, if they sense that truth is better than falsities, to keep their parents happy and as they age to prevent hurt feelings.
Children who live under constant threat of punishment have been shown to become better liars to avoid the punishment. The punishment does not have the desired effect. According to researchers, removing the punishment threat is not enough to stop the behavior. The best way to handle a lying scenario is to offer immunity and a means to get back into the parents good graces.
For example, Dr. Victoria Talwar states, "What really works is to tell the child, "I will not be upset with you if you peeked, and if you tell the truth, then I will be really happy.""
If a child has a sudden increase in lying, pay attention because it is likely caused by a major negative change in the child's life. Addressing the child's feelings early and without judgement can stop lying dead in its tracks. It may also help them deal with the issue at hand by being supported and not judged.
There is a lot to this topic, but this is a good start,
