March 4, 2013
Effort and resilience:
Why do we give our kids trophies for playing??? I hold that this is akin to taking away their natural drive to succeed and improve. We are developing a generation of children who think that they are great without having achieved a thing. This is what some have called the cocky outside with empty inside syndrome.
My children and I play stratego, cards and chess often. I never let them win on purpose. For a long time Thomas could not beat me in Stratego, but then one day I did not give him enough credit and he caught my flag. I was shocked. He danced around the room and then told the world. We had such a great moment. He was proud of his performance because he persevered and not because he showed up.
We should be praising effort and resilience and not participation. This is not to be confused with a lack of love when failure or half effort occurs. One always loves, but education on how to improve and then praise of the effort is key. Not every child will go to Duke or turn pro in soccer, but every child can be their best and succeed at their God given potential.
Self esteem and strength:
I noted that at my sons soccer practices the coaches expect, no require, that parents stay over 100 feet from the practice field. A great idea. The kids can play without the constant verbal banter of their parents (including myself). It also allows them to fall, cry, get up and play on.
If they are truly hurt, they have a coach who provides support and then the failsafe parent around the corner. This hierarchy of support allows a child to understand that adults are there to help and are safe, while unconditional love is always at the parent level.
This pattern of empty praise continues too often. Praise effort and love unconditionally. As always, lead by example - I do not mean workaholic!
Effort is what we need,