The year was 1990. It was about a month before my ordination to priesthood. Iwas a deacon and finishing up my studies at St. Vincent de Paul regional seminary. Good Friday was a gorgeous day. I went out of the chapel and was alone with myself. I had been in the seminary for over six years. It was different from when I went into the seminary. My rose colored glasses were no rather tainted than tinted. This is what I wrote in my journal:

Vulnerable Ron

Sometimes I feel guilty about living 

                Like who am I to think

                I am special in God's eyes?

Sometimes I really do feel unworthy

and dirty among certain people

Sometimes I ache and hurt so much

from the actions and opinions of others...I bleed.

Sometimes I feel so small

when I can't comprehend simple oral questions and statements

Sometimes I feel frustrated

when no one understands

 the wordless me underneath my funny faces

Sometimes I feel that I am very egocentric

and selfish

Sometimes I feel shame

when I simply wish and desire to touch and be touched

Sometimes I feel naked

without my show

Sometimes I feel betrayed when I offer love

and it comes back to me rejected

as if I were trying to make points

Sometimes Ron feels like giving up

when he feels that no one understands him   

nor loves him

Sometimes Ron feels tired and helpless and hopeless...

Sometimes Ron feels anxious about many things

when all that is needed is to trust in God-

--and then feeling guilty when I am anxious still

JESUS - Worthy is the vulnerable lamb who hung on the cross!

Often times I feel vulnerable when people I love

flop around like fish out of water...

alcohol abuse, co-dependency, compulsive behavior,

to name a few...

and I can't kick them back in!

I feel vulnerable when after I have taken care of so  

many hurting and dying people-and there is  

no one left to hold me, rock me, caress me in  

the flesh.

I feel vulnerable when I am left out

on purpose or by mistake in situations I have a hope in

I feel vulnerable around narrow-minded people

who often times seem callous

I feel vulnerable when I recognize my own

vulnerability

and humanness

                Good Friday

                                April 13, 1990

I Love You Jesus 

I pray your Holy Week is truly Holy and a  

reflection  of God's love for us.

Love one another. Thank you, Jesus!  

Love, joy, peace,

Father Ron Moses +