Funny how things change.

When I turned sixteen I was able to drive to school. What freedom! Turns out I could skip first period and go to McDonald's on Boardman-Canfield Road, order a Big Breakfast and eat it in the parking lot.  Later the same day I could skip regular lunch, go through the snack line and get two Little Debbie peanut butter bars and chocolate milk. To me that felt like liberation, total freedom. I could do what I wanted and no one was going to deprive me. So there. If I was driving around and wanted to feel happy, I could stop at Fast Check for a big bag of Peanut M&M's and a Dr. Pepper. Open up the bag of M&M's, put them in the center console and munch away. Wash each yummy bite down with my Dr. Pepper. It seemed like a harmless bit of happiness.

Now here I am at age forty-seven. I do everything in my power to avoid McDonald's Big Breakfast and I would be very worried about myself if I found myself sitting in the parking lot eating one. Dr. Pepper is now Diet Dr. Pepper or water. M&M's are a rare treat that I stopped buying when I started to get serious about losing weight. But I don't feel like I'm giving up my freedom, I feel like I'm regaining it. What's going on?

I am a user. I USE food to feel pleasure, freedom, and independence. Somewhere between sitting at the Boardman McDonald's eating breakfast and topping out at 180+ pounds I lost my freedom (to choose) and became enslaved by the very behavior that made me feel so good at the beginning. It doesn't feel good to lose control of your will, your self discipline or your freedom to choose.

I know from working with so many women that there is a big fear of feeling constantly deprived if you commit to eating healthy. I understand that completely. What will I do if I want to feel a bit of pleasure but feel like I can't have my M&M's (chips, cookies, bagels, ice cream, insert your happy pill here)? How will I live without these things? It's scary to think about. But answer honestly, are they worth what you give up in the long run? Are they worth feeling like you aren't in control of your choices, that you aren't free to be at any weight you choose?

They weren't worth it to me. Neither were cigarettes. Once I became very aware that I had given up my freedom to be addicted to cigarettes and to be a food user, I knew I had to change. But I also knew that just swearing off these things didn't work for me. I had tried all kinds of diets. I had tried to quit smoking. I was not in control of my choices. Something kept taking over and I had to fight back.

So I started to look within. What did I really want...a snack or to feel happy? What was I really feeling...physical hunger or heart/soul hunger? What I found out, I found out from that sixteen year old girl sitting in her Plymouth Horizon eating instead of going to Orchestra class. I had a long talk with her and wow, had she been dying to be heard. Turns out all this food wasn't what she really needed at all. She needed help, and healing, and someone to talk to honestly who would hear her and understand her feelings.

Once I realized I had not been giving myself those things, I set out to try. I started asking for help in many ways; from support groups, from my friends, from my family, from my church. I started seeking healing instead of sugar and nicotine. Healing is available for these old wounds, no matter how they came to be or how long ago. Don't give up. I started talking more honestly about who I really was and what I was feeling instead of wearing my this-is-what-I'm-supposed-to-be-and-how-I'm-supposed-to-act mask. It still amazes me that true connection is made with another person by being real not by being perfect.

I love the responses that I get when I write about indulging in a milkshake or eating cake three days in a row. I understand that a real connection is made when you and I talk for real, not by me giving you weight loss or exercise instructions. All I have is my story, and for me nothing worked until I dealt with some stuff on the inside. When I did, even just being honest about what was in there and saying it out loud to someone, everything started to change. What was compulsion eased its grip. What was addiction fell away. And I was left with my authentic self that was able to actually make choices in line with my true desires. And a healthy body weight soon followed with much less effort than I ever thought possible.

If you have tried everything to control your eating (or your drinking, your spending, your smoking, whatever) and you still struggle, be brave and look within. Look with compassion and understanding for wounds, unmet needs, or fears. Treat them honestly and lovingly but don't ignore them. I talked to a client this week about changing some unhealthy food patterns and I asked her to read the 12 steps. I think it is extremely important to understand that the 12 steps do not say step 1) stay out of bars, step 2) substitute pop for alcohol, step 3) have a cheat day where you drink all you want. The 12 steps say we admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable, and only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

I don't know about you but that speaks to me. I tried to manage my food. I tried to control my smoking. None of that ever worked! I don't have what it takes to manage these things, they are bigger than me. If you look at Weight Watchers and feel like crying that you would ever have to make another attempt to control your eating, I get it. I totally get it. That never, ever would have worked for me. But crazy, radical healing of my heart worked. And all it took was to be brave and open up. Share my crazy, messed up, wonderful life with the world and watch as they changed me, inside and out.

Now get moving.