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Motivation
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Do you need to have your fire of motivation lit? I love feeling the fire. I spent a good part of my life without it, so I am very grateful to feel that burn to work my body and to push myself. I love the way it feels to move, lift, and sweat. It's still hard to believe it's me saying that. I was not always an exerciser.
Sometime back in the late '90's when I was still smoking and overweight, I had a vision - sort of like a daydream. It was so real and it scared me. I saw myself sitting across the desk from a doctor as I listened to a diagnosis. I had not taken care of myself and now it was too late. I could have prevented this, but I chose to keep going with my unhealthy behaviors. The feeling of regret was overwhelming.
I had been a smoker for 17 years and didn't really believe I could quit but I decided to try again. This time, though, was different. A fire had been lit in me that I'd never experienced before. I had experienced a shift and was now 100% conscious of what I was doing to myself and what the consequences of that would be. This time I didn't care whether I believed I could do it or not, I was going to change. Whatever it took.
After years of trying, that was the time I finally succeeded and quit smoking for good. But that didn't solve all my problems. To quit, I had let myself eat whatever I wanted to take the place of cigarettes. You can imagine the result. Up to size 18 and feeling pretty awful despite having conquered this addiction. Thankfully, I still carried the vision with me of that scary conversation with my doctor so I didn't give in to the temptation to go back to smoking. I had to put this all together.
Then I started moving. I just started walking. (It takes me awhile, but I do finally get to the point where I am so sick of hearing myself and I just have to do something about it.) So I walked and walked every day. Wow do pounds start to melt off when you walk every day. Especially at Highbanks, which is where I was doing most of my walking. The feeling of knowing that losing weight was actually within my control was quite amazing to me. It was up to me.
I have a note written by my desk that I wrote back then and saved. It says "no one is going to do this for you". It was an epiphany. I had to do the work. I had to take each step. Even with the help of a personal trainer, it was completely up to me to show up, work hard, and follow up with good choices. Ugh.
I so wanted the magic fix, the easy way out. I really did. I was afraid of taking full responsibility because I just didn't believe in my own ability to follow through. I had blown it so many times before, what made me think this time would be any different! But it was. The light had come on and I knew there was no other way. I couldn't pretend anymore that it was anyone or anything else's responsibility but mine.
Since those first sweet steps on the trail, I've learned a lot. I've learned that it is up to me to put myself in places and around people that help me keep the light on and the fire lit. It doesn't just happen on its own. It is up to me to show up and work hard and make good choices. It's up to me to get help when I need it, to say no to the things that don't support my journey, and to always believe that anything is possible.
Now get moving!
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