Motivation
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Confessions of a Woman with Food Issues
Here was my Saturday -- I got to sleep in, which was wonderful and relaxing. It was the first morning that I've awoken feeling almost recovered from this bug. I lounged around drinking coffee and reading. I got some things done around the house. I connected a bit on Facebook while eating my Kashi cereal with skim milk.
After I showered, I pulled a few pieces of warmer-weather clothing out of the back of my closet to try on. Not sure if it was the flu or the running streak or a combination, but my clothes were fitting great and I felt like a lean mean machine.
I ventured out to meet a friend for a great conversation, then I headed to the mall to spend some of the gift cards I received over the holidays. While there, I stopped at Starbucks and got my skinny latte. All was well with the world.
Shopping went great. Things I tried on fit, and it felt really good to feel good about myself in the dressing rooms. Those places used to be dreaded, dreaded places. Many a Saturday afternoon would I leave frustrated and near tears from shopping. Not so on this day.
But I shopped too long. By the time I reached the car, I was starving. I had been having too much fun shopping to think about stopping for lunch at the mall. So I went through the McDonalds drive through. I was so hungry I didn't really care what I was ordering or how many calories was in it, so I ordered the Fish Value Meal.
As I pulled out of the drive through I reached in the bag and ate a few fries. Ick. They were cold and salty and greasy. Disgusting. So I waited through the light, turned around, went back through the drive through and politely got my money back.
You would think that would end it. However, I knew I had nothing in the fridge at home. All my prepared food for the week was gone. I hadn't been to the grocery store yet, so I had to find something. (For all the times I have offered you all suggestions to stop and get a protein bar, a chocolate milk, anything that's considered a good choice- I understand when your mind goes blank and all you can think of is fast food.)
So I drove PAST my house and, instead of turning left and going to Raisin Rack for a smoothie, some sushi, something from their salad bar, etc.), I went to KFC! I hate KFC. I am not kidding. It was like there were two parts of me. The one who knows what to do, and the one doing the doing. Who was this person?
So I order this disgusting wrap with grilled chicken and cheese, fried potato wedges, and a diet coke. I got home and opened up the bag. I took a bite of the chicken wrap. I ate two wedges. And I threw the entire thing in the trash. $5.99 to the landfill.
The end, right? I got a grip and had a bowl of Kashi cereal and skim milk, right? No. I went to a birthday party hungry and had pizza and two pieces of cake. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. I felt the self-loathing creep in that I remember too well. Not a good feeling. Driving home I kept thinking- Do not melt down. Do not melt down. I just could not wait to get to bed and start a new day.
When I got up today I thought about the episode. Was I feeling too good about myself where I had to bring it down a notch? Did I get so hungry that I lost all control of making good choices? Was I losing control since I wasn't running? Or is this battle something that can rise up any time that I am unorganized, unprepared, or let my guard down? I would guess it is a combination.
Happily, since I have been through this before, I know that one day does not change anything if you don't let it. So I got my act together today. I went grocery shopping for fresh food, I made turkey and black bean chili for the week, and I got organized. It was an interesting reminder that although I feel like I have conquered a lot of my issues with food, they still lurk and I have to stay vigilant.
Note to self: Stay committed. Forgive yourself immediately when you blow it. You're not crazy, just human. Recommit as soon as possible. Now get moving!
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