Dear Jennifer,
Maybe you can shed some light
on this situation, which I'm sure others are struggling with, too. I share a home with my boyfriend. It seems
that he does things to discourage me from working out and maintaining a really
good fitness level. For a long time I went along with this. My bad. My diet
became filled with yucky stuff and I barely worked out. I was able to get
him to workout with me once, and honestly, I took it easy on him...but he
complained and said it hurt too much and he didn't want to do it again. And
that's fine, but don't throw obstacles in my way when I want to take care of
myself. I personally enjoy working out and eating healthy. I feel better
physically as well as emotionally when I do this. How do I approach
this so that he will get it??!! Just telling him how important it is to
me hasn't seemed to penetrate the gray matter at all. Why do men feel
threatened by this?!
Norrie
Dear Norrie,
First of all you are correct about this being an issue
that lots of people struggle with. (And
not just centered around working out and nutrition, either, but certainly any
number of other things which are important.) What we are talking about here, in
part, is boundaries*.
I think the easiest way to approach this question is
to talk a little bit about the bigger picture...so, indulge me for just one
moment.
On one hand, relationships are impossibly complicated,
multi-faceted systems involving a complex union of two people each with their
own emotions and desires and loads of personal baggage. Sometimes, it's a wonder any two people
manage to make it at all, right? On the other hand, relationships are utterly
simple: two people who choose to witness each other's lives and share their
experiences. Doesn't that sound
easy? And the truth is that most of us
fall somewhere in between the two hands.
Where we fall on that relationship spectrum generally
depends on something to which you have already alluded. You say, "For a long time I went along with
this." It seems like such a simple statement...and
yet, it holds part of the solution. You
allowed his influence to impact your life - and you didn't like it. So you changed it. That's a boundary. Good for you.
(If we could just stop there, this would be easy. However, you've gotten some pushback from
your boundary-making...and that's where the trouble always comes in.) A great deal of the relationship dance is
figuring out how much influence and impact we allow the other person to have in
our life...how much we give, how much we change, how much we sacrifice...and what
is the pay off for all of that? Is it
worth it?
It sounds like you were asking yourself some of those
questions and your answer was, "No. It is not worth it because I don't like the
way I feel when I'm not taking care of myself physically." Your decision to take care of yourself in
spite of the friction created was a healthy response and you should feel good
about that. But I can hear you still
asking, "So, what's up with the boyfriend?"
Good question.
What is up with the boyfriend...or any other person who seems to be a
"hater" in our lives? I bet it always
felt like his resistance to your healthy choices was about you - maybe you felt
guilty about the time you spent away from him while working out or the fact
that you wouldn't share the double order of fries or split the pizza with him -
that somehow those things were about how you weren't participating in the
relationship the way he wanted. Tricky,
huh? That's the thing about setting
boundaries - it's not always so easy to see what is about "us" and what is
about "them."
I'm going to venture a guess that his resistance to
your healthy lifestyle choices had almost nothing to do with how he feels about
you and almost everything to do with how he feels about himself. I'll go even further out on this fairly safe
limb to say that his own insecurity is most likely the culprit of the whole
situation. (This is based, of course, on
the very limited information I have...so, yes, it is a wild generalization. And
yet, I'd probably still put money on it.)
The better you look and feel about yourself, the
harder it is for him to ignore how unsatisfied he must feel with himself. And nobody likes to face that, so, of course
he creates obstacles for you. The trick
is to learn to see those obstacles as windows into how he feels about himself
and not a reflection of how he feels about you.
The good news: you can't fix it. The bad news: you can't fix it.
Either way, this is something he will have to
solve. You just keep on doing what you
are doing for yourself in a way that is healthy and respectful of other people's
choices. He will decide A) he has to accept
his discomfort and let you be, B) to change himself so he's not so
uncomfortable...or C) he'll go somewhere else (or you will.)
This same scenario plays itself out in a million
different ways everyday in relationships all over the world. It truly is a universal battle and where we
each decide to live within this struggle is what makes all of our relationships
unique.
So, in response to your final question, "How do I
approach this so he will get it?" Well, you probably don't. It isn't really
your job to make him "get it." If he's
interested in having a meaningful relationship with you, then he needs to
figure out how to "get it" on his own. In
the "Perfect Relationship," (you know the ones that live with the unicorns and
the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?) each person wants only what is best
for the other and what makes that person the happiest and their interactions are
never clouded with insecurity and ulterior motives. It's certainly not reasonable to expect
perfection in our relationships...but it is reasonable to expect that our
partners want what is best for us and will choose not to stand in our way.
Keep up the healthy lifestyle and healthy boundaries!
Jennifer
*For a much more in-depth look at boundaries, I
recommend you look into the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud.)
Jennifer has experience working with anxiety, depression, grief,
compulsive behavior, pre-marital preparedness, couples counseling, sexual
issues, parent coaching and blended family struggles. She has been providing services to her
clients in person, online and by phone for nearly a decade. Jennifer received her Masters in Applied
Behavioral Science from Bastyr
University. In addition to her private practice work, she
volunteers with the MISS Foundation as a grief support group facilitator for
families who have experienced the death of a child and as the International
Coordinator for their HOPE Mentor training program.
Jennifer is a reluctant Texan who misses Seattle,
mother to boys, avid reader, aspiring writer, next-door gourmet and world-class
procrastinator.
If you are interested in having Jennifer answer one of
your questions via my newsletter, please email Jennifer directly with your question and watch the
following month's newsletters for her response.
Should you want more
individualized counseling, please email Jennifer directly for details about
services, pricing and scheduling.
