You may recall last month I invited you to send in any questions to our new 'in house' family therapist, Jennifer Soos. After reading this Q&A maybe you have a tough question that could use a good, honest answer.. don't be shy, email Jennifer and maybe yours will be answered next month.

Dear Jennifer -

I am in my early 30s and I have two beautiful children with my husband of about 10 years. We have a wonderful marriage except for one huge problem.  I have absolutely no sex drive.  None at all. (His, of course, is on fire!)  It all started after the birth of our last child which is also when I started getting ready for my first figure competition.  He feels like the strict regimen that goes along with contest preparation is to blame and I feel it has more to do with having children and my aging hormones.  I am presently being treated for hormonal imbalance and have been for approximately one year. So far, no improvement in the sex drive department. 

At this point my husband is extremely frustrated with me. Sometimes I think that even if it is a hormone deficiency, by the time I get it resolved our relationship will be so damaged that it will be too late. Occasionally, I give in "just for him," but I find myself getting angry because I really don't want to. I also feel like it is selfish for me to resent that he just wants something so normal.  Help!!!  

Sincerely yours,
NoNo Libido

Dear NoNo -

First and foremost, you are not alone.  The American Medical Association estimates that several million American women complain about the very same thing as you...and even up to 40% of women report they experience this problem on a periodic basis.  So, that's a lot of "headaches," if you know what I mean.

The good news: there are quite a few potential solutions.

Let's face it, unlike the stereotypical, always-revved-up male sex drive, the female libido can require a perfect storm of components converging at the right time and in the right amount: physical and emotional health, lifestyle harmony, relationship intimacy, adequate feelings of safety, adequate rest, the absence of a toddler between your sheets and having Saturn in your fifth house. 

Let's start with the physical part.  Based on your current hormonal treatment, I'm going to assume you have been assessed by a physician for all the other medical issues which can interfere with sex drive.  Anyone who is struggling with diminished desire would want to rule out such conditions as anemia, diabetes, pituitary gland disorders and certain side affects caused by some prescription medications.  Nutrition and adequate sleep are very important to this physical equation.  There are also some conditions which make sex physically painful, which can be obvious libido killers.  I would always advise someone to rule out as many of these potential physical problems as possible.  (And we'll get back to the hormones in a moment.)

The next big sex-drive-stealer is kids.  Of course, it is normal to have a "cooling period" after the birth of a child.  Since you have kids, I know I don't have to list off all the possible ways our precious offspring manage to prevent us from practicing the art of making any more.  However, it is important to take a good look at that post-pregnancy period of time because bad habits are often formed then which can be very hard to shake.  There are few things more exhausting and demanding than small children and it usually requires a concerted effort by both partners to maintain a healthy sex life in the midst of those early parenting years.  And I'm not just talking about the infamous "date night" suggestion...it needs to go well beyond that.  Yes, sometimes it means seeing a professional to help the two of you create more space in your world for you as a couple, not just you as parents.

Next up are lifestyle and relationship issues.  How connected are you to each other in that day-to-day kind of way? Are there financial stresses? Are you both just a little bit too busy??  (And you've already said you have kids, so I know the answer to that is yes!) What about the division of household chores? Do you both feel supported by one another in your pursuits and hobbies?  Are in-laws or other family members involved in your lives?  What about alcohol and/or drug use?  (I know, I ask a lot of questions...occupational hazard.)  The point is this: Each of these components has the potential to create friction and underlying discord in your relationship.  Many couples don't deal with these issues directly and over time the frustration and resentment will come up somewhere else - usually in the checkbook or the bedroom.  Those are the two places most associated with power and it is where husbands and wives usually choose to "even things up a bit."  Even when they aren't aware they are doing it.

Which brings me back to the hormones.  There is a bit of a debate about how much hormones really affect desire. Of course hormone levels can affect physical changes in the body and women experiencing menopause can struggle to adjust to those changes.  (Although the AARP sex studies have shown that even in the menopausal, 45-and-older age bracket over half of the men and women surveyed report having sex once a week or more.)  You are far from menopause, however, so I would be hesitant to assign blame to the hormones so quickly.

What therapists most often see is a combination of factors contributing to the problem of low desire.  The best way to uncover what those things could be is to engage in an ongoing dialogue with both your partner and a professional who can guide you in a more thorough investigation.  I certainly can't ignore your last two lines about giving in "just for him" and your talk of anger and resentment in regard to his desires.  Those are red flags to me that something other than estrogen overload is contributing to your lack of desire.  It is notable to me that you aren't talking about missing sex or wishing that you still wanted it...so where are your desires in all of this? 

The bottom line: Whatever the cause, this is not just your problem.  It is a shared problem.  Most likely, you can not fix it alone.  You are right about this issue doing damage to the relationship - on both sides. The sooner you recruit your husband to be an active part of the solution instead of a demanding and frustrated bystander, the better off you will both be.  So scoot - go make yourselves a counseling appointment right now and get serious about banning those "headaches" for good. 

Jennifer has experience working with anxiety, depression, grief, compulsive behavior, pre-marital preparedness, couples counseling, sexual issues, parent coaching and blended family struggles.  She has been providing services to her clients in person, online and by phone for nearly a decade.  Jennifer received her Masters in Applied Behavioral Science from Bastyr University.  In addition to her private practice work, she volunteers with the MISS Foundation as a grief support group facilitator for families who have experienced the death of a child and as the International Coordinator for their HOPE Mentor training program.

Jennifer is a reluctant Texan who misses Seattle, mother to boys, avid reader, aspiring writer, next-door gourmet and world-class procrastinator. 

If you are interested in having Jennifer answer one of your questions via my newsletter, please email Jennifer directly with your question and watch the following month's newsletters for her response.
Should you want more individualized counseling, please email Jennifer directly for details about services, pricing and scheduling.