The words to this song are very true . With Valentines' Day just around the corner, I thought I'd share a little secret about how to create a peaceful relationship with your spouse or significant other. Of course this works with family members, children, co-workers, bosses and friends as well. 

Before I tell you the secret, let me ask you to get truthful with yourself.  Go within and answer this question:  When I'm upset with someone, do I want to tell them what they did wrong?  Do I tend to attack?  Most often the answer is "Yes", so don't be surprised if you find that is true for you, too.

The other day I wrote an email to someone that had upset me.  They had no idea that I was bothered by what they  had written, but over the course of the week, I found myself becoming angrier and angrier about it, until I finally sat down at my computer to compose a response.  I attacked and I'll admit; it felt good.  When I finished, I read it over one more time before hitting the send button - always a good idea! At that moment,  I could see that I had painted myself to be a victim.  Remembering that 'victim' was one of my shadows, I had to own it.  In feeling so angry, I wanted the other person to feel guilty for what they had said. I also found myself feeling righteous, which is a big clue that I was resistant to my own change.  So, how could I demand that someone else change for me?

Experience has showed me that when I have sent out an angry email in the past, I have later regretted it.  Why? Because lashing out in anger comes from a place of disempowerment which is often connected to feelings of shame. This was an opportunity for me to do something different. The first thing I noticed, was that I was angry, not so much by what they had written, but more so because they had triggered something in me that even I didn't like to see.  That is often what causes us to become so angry.  Remember, a shadow is anything you don't want to be. In this case, I had felt that my 'needy' side was showing up, so I was going to tell this person how much they'd hurt me - when in reality, all they did was show me to myself. I could see how I wanted to blame them for making me see that.  But, in reality, it would not have bothered me at all had I made peace with that part of me before this. So, as I recomposed the email numerous times, I noticed the problem wasn't really with this other person, but with me.  Soon, my anger began to dissipate.  I was gaining clarity as I recognized what was driving the anger.   By the time the email was complete and ready to send, I felt peaceful inside, empowered and more whole than when I began.  And, to my surprise, instead of lashing out as I had originally done, when I believed myself to be a victim, I ended up thanking them for the gift of being able to see myself with new eyes - still setting the limits that I needed to establish between us.   Isn't that what we all really do for one another? We are mirrors for each other and that shows up more often in a significant relationship than at any other time.    So, when you begin to use the gift of another triggering you and causing you to become angry, know that it is an opportunity to take a look at yourself. Use it to take back a lost part of you that got buried years ago.  Begin to experience more wholeness.

I hope the next time you are angry with someone, especially in your significant relationship, you will stop before you just lash out and check in with yourself to see what has popped up for healing.  Getting triggered by someone is always a good clue that you are wanting to avoid something in yourself.  I'm not saying that anger isn't necessary at times, for it is.  But remember, with the one you love the most, it is so easy to start pointing a finger in blame and judgement.  And, if you are pointing one finger at them, the other three are pointing back at you.  So, ask yourself where in my life am I like that?  If you can look honestly, you will be able to meet a new part of yourself that may have gotten lost years ago. Welcome it, embrace it and find the gifts it holds for you.  As you do this, you will step into a new place of feeling empowered, whole and free.  So use that anger as a gift to yourself and you will become a gift to others. It is a win-win all the way around.  And what a wonderful Valentines Day it can be when you are standing in your own power and loving someone from that place.

If you want more help in healing your heart, becoming whole & creating a beautiful relationship in your life, contact me for more information on counseling & coaching work around your shadow. 

Happy Valentines' Day!