In this installment of Talking Circle, two of our readers share their compelling stories of forgiveness.  Editor's note: Sarah's story contains material that some readers may find disturbing.  Reader discretion is advised.  

Alexis's Story

I am not one to complain anymore. Ask someone who knew me eight years ago, and they'd tell you a different story.

For what it's worth, I thought I had a right to be angry. I thought life wasn't fair, and therefore, why should I be fair? I thought life wasn't nice, and therefore, why should I be nice? I wasn't EVIL, but I was very angry and I was violent and I was most of all confused.

What changed between the me of today and the troublesome child I was in the past? I learned how to forgive.

I learned how to forgive God who hadn't given me a beautiful childhood.I learned how to forgive my mom for not giving me the life I thought I should have had.  I learned how to forgive him...he, who had been the first person to break my heart.

The words, "I will forgive but never forget" were of much significance throughout my childhood. I repeated them when he heard me cry. I repeated them while I saw him leave. I repeated them when he disappeared, leaving me to call him in tearful desperation to tell him I missed him, and ask why he left.

I repeat the same words now, 11 years later, as I remember that first taste of reality, when the saddest thing that could happen to an 11-year-old daddy's girl happened.  That--the day he left--was the day I realized that the word "daddy" would no longer mean anything to me. The day I knew I would no longer have a daddy to defend me against boys.  A daddy to give me butterfly kisses. A daddy to walk me down the aisle.

But today the words hold new meaning.

Forgiveness: Not holding a grudge, understanding that life plays out in a way that may not make sense, understanding that people make mistakes, learning to not erase the bad memories, but to embrace them for what they have shown you.

Forgiveness: After having resented my parents, after endless nights and years of crying, after being angry, after not understanding, after heartache, after playing hooky every year at school on Father's Day...today I can say I truly understand how to forgive.

I thank God for what He has shown me. I thank God for being the strong person I am. I thank God for giving me a past unlike many, but a future with so much potential. Most of all, I thank Him for teaching me how to forgive and move on.

"I will forgive but never forget." Not forgetting no longer means holding a grudge.  Not forgetting means a lesson learned, and a strong woman where an angry girl one was.

          
                                           Alexis A. Irias, 22, Miami, Florida, USA www.Apath2.tumblr.com 

Sarah's Story

On Sep 11, 2008, my ex-boyfriend killed my mom, my best friend. That night he repeatedly raped and thought he killed me.  I know I don't hate him, but is that the same as forgiving him?

Earlier that day, I met my ex-boyfriend at his therapist's office. I was furious because I had just paid a $500 cable bill because of the porn he'd rented at the home we once shared. Even though I'd moved out more than a month earlier, I also paid all the other bills so he could save money and move. In front of his therapist, I told him he had until the end of the weekend to move out. He was furious at me, and said that I was going to pay for what I'd done. I was mad, and I was scared.

Mom and I met for lunch, but first we stopped at my place to see if the cable company had turned off access to porn as I'd ordered.  My ex-boyfriend showed up just as we were leaving and was very angry that I'd done this.  I do not remember if Mom said anything to him, but I do remember her glaring at him.

That afternoon at work, my colleagues knew I was scared.  They were scared for me.  On her way home, Mom stopped by my work to ask how I was doing.  She said she was making lasagna for us for dinner. The rest of the workday, I was so overwhelmed.  But I kept telling myself that my ex had only wanted to frighten me. 

When I entered my Mom's house that night, it was not she who met me, but my ex.  Almost immediately, he had a rifle pointed at me.  He said, "If you walk out the door, I will shoot you."  He demanded I take off all my clothes. While undressing, I kept looking at my mom's room.  He said, "She's fine. Just don't go down there. Everything will be fine."

After I was undressed, he taped me up. Remembering articles about rape, I talked him into letting my hands free and told him how much I wanted him. When he was done raping me, he had me put my clothes back on.

I think I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I jumped out of bed.  He held the gun to my face and shot me. I don't remember this. I remember only telling myself to pretend to be asleep. (Later, the doctors said that the close range of the shot actually burned the wound close, saving my life.)

When I woke up, I searched the entire house.  I saw that he and my car were gone.  Mom's room was barricaded, and I broke in. She was cold to the touch, and I told her I would go get help.  

But it was too late.  I don't know what had happened between them before I got home, but I am told she died quickly from two gunshots to the head. 

So...do I forgive him? I pray to the Lord every night that He's watches out for him, because I believe what happens to him now is his purpose. I don't feel anger for what he did to me.  It is pointless to feel anything about him.  But, I still question whether I would help him if we were the only ones on a cliff and he started to fall over.  Would I grab him? Save him? Or would I let him fall and die? That's a question I wrestle with.  So, is this forgiveness?

                                                           Sarah Engle, 37, Wausau, Wisconsin, USA

Next month, we'll be featuring stories of REINVENTION.  To share yours, please click here.

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and/or thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But it doesn't have to.

This is not to say that whatever it is that has caused us to feel this way isn't important.  Nor does forgiveness have to mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you. Forgiveness doesn't have to minimize or justify the wrong; it only has to release or lessen the one-sided control the incident has had on our lives.

Seeking forgiveness can be an even more monumental a task, especially if we allow the control to be one sided. Seeking forgiveness can be as simple as taking responsibility, admitting your part in the situation, and saying you're sorry.  

The person whose forgiveness you seek may not give you the satisfaction you want, or forgive you for your wrong.  But you can't walk through life carrying the guilt, continuously trying to make amends, either.  I've tried that.  My wife took her own life (unrelated to the situation for which I sought her forgiveness) without my ever really knowing whether or not I was forgiven.

In our lives we will make many mistakes.  Hopefully we will have learned as many lessons.  I have been in a wheelchair for the last 23 years as a result of multiple gun shot wounds that left me paralyzed. I was confined to the wheelchair for the first several years because of my inability to forgive my perpetrator.  However, by accepting my part in the whole scheme of things, and  by relinquishing the control that anger and vengeful thoughts had over my ability to heal and move forward, I am no longer confined to the chair.  Rather, it's just a means of transportation to get me along life's path so that I can share the lessons I've learned along the way.

Is everything worth forgiving?  Only you can decide and choose which is more important: taking control and healing, or allowing yourself to be controlled.

Forgiveness. We all know of its value.  It's the antidote for bitterness.  The hand that opens so we can let go and move on with our lives.  And it's an easy enough state to reach when the transgression caused only temporary hurt feelings and was settled with the heartfelt words, "I'm sorry." But what about the acts that cause much deeper wounds?  Acts so despicable that they crumble the very foundation upon which you stand, and cause you to doubt your worth, your safety in the world, and even your faith in God? What then?

I was in my early thirties when I faced the depth of the physical, mental, and spiritual wounds I was carrying as a result of the severe abuse my mother inflicted on me when I was a child.  And there I was, grappling to accept that my mother would go to her grave without expressing any remorse for the PTSD and bouts of depression and anxiety I was suffering from.  I was frozen in fear and hurt, staring at a lifetime of damage I didn't know how to repair.  And already at this point, I was hearing the words, "But you have to forgive her."

 Forgive, as in forget? As in absolving her from her sins, even when she expressed no remorse?  The very thought made me dig my heels into anger, and not even the gentle hints that God would only forgive me of my sins if I forgave her of hers could not budge me.  And as strange as it may sound, in hindsight I'm glad I let go of the notion of forgiving her. Because if I've learned anything from my long road to recovery--and later, from the women who suffered trauma as children in the groups I facilitated--it is that forgiveness is more than a word.  It's a state of being, one we cannot be guilted or shamed into feeling by others or by ourselves, no matter how spiritually inept it makes us feel when we can't quite get there.

I spent the next seven years tending to my mental and physical wounds, allowing the anger and angst to seep from my pores.  I worked hard to help my mind and body learn to react differently.  And finally, there I was, standing on new ground, feeling better, yet still left with a gaping hole that I knew could only be filled with spiritual healing.  And that, I knew, was a personal journey I would need to travel alone.  Little did I know when I set out to heal my soul that what I was seeking and what I would find, was the state of grace we call forgiveness.

Viktor Frankl, psychoanalyst and Holocaust survivor, said, "Man is willing to suffer, as long as he can find meaning in his suffering."  And the path of spiritual healing (where forgiveness patiently awaits us), is about just that: finding meaning in our suffering.  It's what we choose to do with what's been done to us after our wounds scar over.

So I said goodbye to all I'd lost, and focused on what I'd gained--which was apparently a deep-seated understanding of the healing process.   I formed the support groups, and over the next six years, I dedicated what time and knowledge I had to helping others heal.  And when the last woman felt she was healed enough not to need my support anymore, I looked at the gifts all my life experiences had given me: the courage to look suffering in the eye.  An understanding of human nature. A sense of humor. The courage to reveal what's in my heart and on my mind. The ability to live hope and be inspiring.  My incessant curiosity about the stories we all live.  I poured these gifts into my love of books, and worked to become a published novelist.  And from these actions, I transformed my suffering into something to give to others.  I found my purpose.  

Recently someone asked me if I ever forgave my mother.  I have.  But  it's a different form of forgiveness than the one I once envisioned as being synonymous with forgetting and the equivalent of absolving someone of their sins.  I cannot forget my past (it is a chapter in my life's story) any more than I have the power to pardon my mother of her sins (that's between her and God.)  No, today forgiveness means something quite different to me.  It is the state of grace that comes after you tend to your wounds.  After you let go of the blame and the shame, and the notion that what you suffered through somehow makes you less--or more--than others.  It's what happens after you take what's been done to you and transform those things into something good you can do for others.  And it's state of being you cannot will yourself to reach any more than a child can will themselves to grow. One day you simply awaken to the realization that your compassion has softened the hard places, and you find yourself at peace.   

Sandra Kring's debut novel, Carry Me Home, was a Book Sense Notable Pick and a 2005 Midwest Booksellers Choice Award nominee. The Book of Bright Ideas was Target's Bookmarked pick for Summer 2006. Thank You for All Things was All You magazine's first book club selection. Her latest book, How High the Moon, was a Midwest Booksellers Association's Connections Pick, and a Target Breakout Book. Sandra has just sold a sequel to The Book of Bright Ideas. She lives in Wisconsin.  www.sandrakring.com
 

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. - Robert Muller  

Had someone said this to me around eight years ago, I would have looked at them in bafflement!  I did not know how to feel real love, how to forgive and forget, or what peace was.  Happiness was something I grasped in between bouts of anger, upset, and confusion. Life was often difficult.

This all changed when I walked into a Body and Soul Shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, Scotland. While browsing, I picked up a flyer telling of a weekly Reiki drop-in center just around the corner from where the shop was.  I had never heard of Reiki, which I later learned was a gentle yet powerful healing modality that can remove blocks on a mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional level, thereby bringing calm and relaxation.  But a little voice told me I should go try this out!

It was the beginning of an amazing journey that grew in strength with each Reiki session I attended as a client, and later, performed as a Reiki Teacher and Master myself.  Reiki taught me to forgive, to heal, and to feel love for myself and others.  To accept change, and to make changes.  I have found the most beautiful peace.

Thanks to the many wonderful teachers I have had in my life-from my first Reiki Teacher and her wonderful partner to the beautiful people from which I learn now-my life is so very different and I feel so very fulfilled. I pinch myself when I think of the change. I love life!

I ran bars for a living for many years.  I was good at my job, but oh boy could I get angry and upset! I was shown many lessons in this line of work, but was very happy to walk away.  I now teach Reiki, work with Angels and give Angel Workshops and Angel Readings. I give holistic therapies to people, including those suffering from cancer and Motor Neuron Disease.  And this year I shall be teaching children Reiki!

Somewhere inside me all those years ago, I had the ability to change.  I had the ability to look at my life and to take responsibility. I chose to stop blaming others for what was happening in my life.  I was letting it happen. I chose to look at myself in the mirror and think hey, you're not so bad, in fact I think you are great (huge thanks to Louise Hay!). This was not conceit or ego, but rather love for myself.  The feeling just kept growing roots out towards others, and back to me with sheer love for myself.  My attitude became so very different.  I stopped becoming other people's emotional punch bag. The emotional freedom this gave me was indescribable.

I learned to look at a situation before reacting.  I learned to smile more.  I learned to walk away from others without taking their baggage with me on my shoulders, as was often the case in the past.

The biggest hurdle for me was forgiveness: Forgiveness for myself and for others.   

I accepted I had made mistakes, and realized how much I had learned from them. I became very thankful of this. I accepted people often reacted in anger or in defense, and could be very detrimental and were often very unhappy.  It was all part of life.

It was how I chose to live out my life that was important and in learning to accept peace, love, and forgiveness in my life.  Life just got a whole lot better!

When we let go and forgive, our hearts begin to heal.  They expand and somehow feel so much lighter. Pain we have held on to can often make us unwell. The emotions become stuck in the body and need release. Reiki helped me to release, and Angels helped even me more.

When I have a problem with others, or they with me, I send them love and ask the Angels to pour loving light around their heart. I imagine their hearts filled with pink light and love, and I offer them grace and accept this for myself.

I cannot begin to tell you the difference this makes, and the shift that very often takes place. I have had some very peaceful outcomes thanks to using this "tool"!

These are "tools" that have worked for me.  Reiki may not resonate with all, and this is human nature and fine, of course.  Forgiveness will bring the shift in pain.  Trust me, I should know!  Blessings and light.

Margery Bambrick, S.A.C.Dip, 49, Edinburgh, Scotland, UK, is an Angel Teacher/Angel Healing Practitioner, Reiki Teacher/ Master, and Holistic Therapist. www.angelhealingwaters.com