Five years ago, I can describe myself as, dying inside. I was more than aware of my horrific past, my living nightmare.
Now here I stood at the front steps of W.I.T.T. (The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy) I thought I had clearly lost my mind, as I found this place on the Internet while searching for a Women's Mental Hospital. I had taken my first plane trip clear across the United States in search of answers. I felt it was my last thread of help. I was scared out of my mind. It was hard to believe that only two weeks prior I had sat in a dark hotel room contemplating suicide for the third time in my life. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was fed up with being me. Tired with the day-to-day struggle of wondering what was wrong with me. I thought of my children while sitting in the darken hotel room, and found myself returning home.
"Why?" was always the question that haunted me. Why did my parents physically abuse me at such an early age? Why was I abandoned at the age of fourteen? Why was I subjected to monsters, who raped and beat me, why was I a hopeless drug addict? Why did those who I thought cared about me continually betray me? Why did I continually survive? Why did God put me here on earth when he clearly did not love me? Why was I now in Florida all alone and frightened?
I can clearly remember the moment when Dr. Bill entered group therapy. I had been anticipating his arrival as most of the women there had already had the opportunity of meeting him, and seemed anxious for him to arrive. I was expecting a mountain of a man that would surely fill the door frame with his presence, and loom above us bigger than life. Perhaps he would have a large black bag with magic potions. After all, how else would he take away years of grief, sadness, pain, turmoil, and confusion? Instead, I witnessed a mildly quiet, patient, matter of fact man. Dr. Bill had no black bag with magic potions....was it my imagination or was he able to see past my hardened exterior to the hurt, confused child within? I had no idea that a child existed inside of myself....though surely there was, for Dr. Bill could easily see her.
After a few sessions with Dr. Bill, he made me feel secure enough to begin my journey into recovery. He made me realize that I had to rescue my soul.
Being introduced to RRT, Rapid Reduction Technique, I was able to rescue "self" from one of my most painful memories. It was emotionally painful, yet an exhilarated freeing. I will always remember the day I left Florida, a storm was quickly approaching and I feared that I would not be able to make it on my own. I repeatedly reminded myself that I could do this. Besides when I entered the plane I was firmly holding the hand of my five year old self. I had memorized step 3 of RRT and I have never forgotten it.
"I love you. I am sorry I had to leave you there but I really thought I would have died. I could not take the overwhelming feelings of loss, pain and hurt. I have come today to rescue you I want you to come and live inside with me, we can be whole, happy, healthy, complete, totally confident, mentally clear, free from this day forward. If you come inside and live with me, I promise that I will never, ever, ever allow anyone to hurt you like that again, so, help me God. I truly love you."
I have kept my word. Within the next five years to present, I have made changes in small steps. I have changed one thing at a time. I have made clear, concise, specific goals. I have gained the ability of learning and using internal communication to interact mentally, emotionally and spiritually with myself. Internal communication helps me greatly to keep myself balanced and at peace.
I stay successful with creating a good relationship with myself by using various tools that Dr. Bill has instilled within me. From positive affirmations, completing my aftercare workbook, to my commitment to continue my recovery, or should I say journey. In taking the small steps, I have learned to put myself first. I have forgiven myself, I accept myself, and I never turn my back on myself. Above all else, I like myself. I have gained tremendous self-esteem just by believing in me. In believing in myself, I have acquired success for myself. I discovered a love of Photography through my own creativity, and was drawn to floral photography. I have had three successful European exhibitions. On one of my trips to Europe, I remember sitting there on the plane and reflected my first frightened plane trip to Florida. I felt myself beaming inside, for I felt I had indeed come such a long way.
I no longer need to know the answers to all the whys. I know with a certainty that God loves me. I survived. I have a purpose here on earth.
I continually visit Dr. Bill's Website for what I call my daily dose of strength, guidance, and enlightenment. I have read his book Separated from the Light, and most recently watched Effects of Traumatic Life Events. I believe in empowering your life through knowledge.
I will forever be grateful to Dr. Bill for helping me to save my life. Next year I will be fifty years old. I love being alive. For those who feel that they do not have a chance at a happy successful life...well you are mistaken...you have a purpose....you have a soul.
I gasped when I first witnessed the beauty within a blossom; I realized at that moment that I had discovered or rather, found my soul.
Testimony of Recovery 
