Besides negative thinking (abuser values), loyalty and external validation, expectations can be a barrier to becoming healthier. When we attempt to live by expectations designated by other people, we are destined for disappointment and sabotage.

Here are six steps that will help you to figure out if you're the expectations you live by are unhealthy or healthy.

1.      Make a list of all the expectations you can think of that you are living by.

2.      On your list identify where each expectation came from (examples - you, abuser, family, father, mother, teacher, church, spouse, partner, society, etc.).

3.      Evaluate and designate which expectations are acceptable to you, those you want to continue to follow, and which you no longer want to follow.

4.      Then create a new list of expectations out of the working list you just finished by scratching off the unacceptable expectations. Pull out the three most important expectations from the list. Only start with three expectations for the future, so that you do not become disappointed and overwhelmed. Becoming overwhelmed with too many expectations to work on may result in disappointment and cause self-sabotage. Transfer the three new expectations to another this list which will be your action list. On the action list, create make three columns for each expectation and label one; the steps to follow, the second one; how I will measure my success and the third column; the time line to complete each step.

5.      Make a firm commitment to the list you just developed. Pledge to yourself that you will work through the step completion of the time lines.

6.      The last step is the follow through. Put your plan into movement. Read over your list at least twice a week. Reviewing while you are doing will increases your awareness of your direction and ownership until each becomes automatic.