Jim, the owner of a grocery store, needs to have a tough conversation with his produce manager, Mary, as she is repeatedly late for work.  He has tried to drop subtle hints, or even look the other way, because Mary is such a great worker... once she gets to work.  Jim fears that being direct with Mary may cause her to leave the job and it is difficult to find someone with her experience in such a small town.  He would need to hire someone and train them for months in order to get them up to speed. What would be even worse is, if Jim would have to do the job until he finds a replacement, because Jim doesn't remember all that goes into the job and doesn't have the desire to relearn the job.

Jim has lost sleep over this issue and finally decides to talk with her first thing in the morning.... or rather....when she shows up in the morning.

How should Jim approach this tough conversation? One of the best books written on this subject is Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler.  I will outline a few of their suggestions along with my insights of facilitating these types of conversations for nineteen years.

• Get clear on what you want.  If Jim has hinted or spoken about this problem to Mary several times he needs to be clear on his intent that this behavior needs to stop of she may lose her job.  Or, if Jim has never spoken on this issue of tardiness, he may be willing to give her several warnings before taking action towards termination.  Knowing what you are willing to do if the behavior does not change will help you take the right tone and give the right message. 
• Find a private place to have the conversation where no one else can hear what is being said.  Privacy offers dignity to the one hearing the tough message.
• Tell them what you appreciate in their work.  If this is the first time you are mentioning the behavior, it is best to let them know what is going well with their work.  Then let them know what is holding them back and how it makes you feel.  Mentioning how their behavior makes you feel is important because they get to hear how it affects you as their boss.  If you have had several tough talks with this employee about the behavior, focus only on the behavior that needs to change and what will happen if it doesn't.   
• Listen for their response.  If they become defensive, remind them that this is not a conversation about their overall performance but rather about this one behavioral issue.  Also, they may let you know about a personal problem that is keeping them from being on time. Are you able to adjust their schedule for a short time or permanently to help resolve the issue?  If not, they need to change for the job requirements.

What if you need to share critical feedback to a friend or family member?  Does this process change?  The answer is yes and no...how is that for an answer?  The most critical step when talking with a friend or family member is being clear on your intent.  Do you wish to harm this person or do you really care about them enough to share this feedback.  Spend time creating a safe environment by reassuring them that you value their relationship, and you want them to succeed, and then follow the steps outlined above. 

 

Question for You:

 

Do you have trouble giving tough feedback to people that are critical to your success and happiness?

 

Action for You:

 

By following the steps listed above as a boss or friend, you will be on your way to taking charge of your life and creating the results you want and possibly make you more open to receiving a tough conversation that you need to hear.