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5 Quick Steps to Resolving Conflict
Sandy, a department manager, has found herself buried in work and unable to finish projects on time. To alleviate this problem, she emailed the head of security for her building asking for the password that will allow her into the building on the weekends so she can catch up. Tom, the head of security, knows that this email request is against company policy and he cannot give her access to the building on weekends.
For Sandy and Tom to be successful handling the conflict above, they both must understand the difference between their "concerns" and "positions." Kenneth Thomas, the author of the Thomas Kilmann Instrument defines a concern in his booklet, Introduction to Conflict Management as "a thing that a person cares about in the conflict. He defines a position as "an action you propose to settle the conflict."
In the conflict scenario above, Sandy's concern is meeting deadlines and catching up, while her position is "as a manager,she should have access to her office on weekends." Tom's concern is following company policy and not allowing for exceptions that would jeopardize the security of the building. His position is to not allow anyone into the building on weekends.
So, how should Sandy and Tom try and create a win/win solution that will allow them to continue working respectfully together? By following Thomas' five steps below and my added insights, they will find a collaborative solution to their dilemma:
- Help identify each other's concerns. By asking in a non-threatening tone why the other person holds their position, you will find the root cause. You may need to ask "why" several times to find the real reason. If one party is unwilling to share their real concern, then you will need to know your real concern and be open to changing your position as long as the concern is met.
- State the problem using "and" rather than "but". Sandy would state the concerns as. "So, you want to make sure you are following company policy and I want to meet deadlines."The next question to ask is "how can we do both?"
- Brainstorm possible solutions looking for quantity over quality. While the quality of your idea will ultimately be important, in this stage, be open to all ideas so that a solid solution will present itself. Tom may ask Susan," what would happen if we looked into having IT set up a remote email access from home using MyPC, placed your documents on the web and you took your client folders home with you?"
- Watch how you express your ideas. By using direct words like "we should" or "we need', you may risk shutting the other person down. Instead try "suppose we" or "what would happen if we". These softer, more inclusive words, will keep the dialogue open to possibility thinking and not put the other person on the defensive.
- Choose an idea that meets both concerns. In the case above, Sandy decided to contact the head of IT and find a way to set up access to her email from home and learn how to put her documents out on the web versus only saving to her hard drive. This will allow her the opportunity to catch up and not ask Tom to jeopardize his position by allowing her access to the building on weekends.
Finding a way to reach a win/win solution can take time, but ultimately, it will protect the critical relationships that we want to preserve. While the example above is work related, these five steps work wonderfully at home as well....just in time for the holidays! |
