What causes us to say things in a conversation that makes us appear smarter, better or faster than the other person? Why do we "put down" others to build ourselves up? I became curious about the answer to these questions years ago when I first began to realize I was the one "putting others" down. My journey to find answers to these questions started with understanding the word "ego". Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, believed that our ego was a place in our mind that protects us from the external world. The ego has the task of self preservation and strives for pleasure while avoiding anything unpleasurable. According to today's modern definition found in urbandictionary.com, being egotistic means "someone who thinks they are the best and are never wrong."
Now this makes sense. If my ego is continually looking for ways to protect myself from the external world, then I am going to find ways to build myself up in other's eyes. If I make a mistake, I will use excuses to show I am smart and not inept. If someone is slow to give me information, I will interrupt or correct them with information that makes me look smarter.
Here are examples of verbally protecting your ego in a conversation:
"Yeah, Bob got me that same information this morning"
"I read that yesterday in the paper"
"That's old news...tell me something new"
Or we show how smart we think we are by nonverbally:
- Tapping our fingers on the table to hurry the speaker
- Rolling our eyes to belittle the person speaking
- Using our index finger in a rolling fashion to hurry up the speaker
These verbal and nonverbal actions listed above show arrogance in the one who chooses to use them. They are condescending and make the other person feel inferior. Many times we choose to use them to make other people think we are so smart and hopefully they will seek us out whenever they need an answer. But what really happens is these actions make the other person feel inadequate, and therefore, not want to interact with us at all.
While we have no control on others showing this behavior, we can choose to examine our own behavior and select a different path. So what can you do if you feel a moment of superiority coming on?
- Choose to pause before you say anything condescending
- Realize that anything said to make you feel smarter will only backfire
- Thank the other person or nod in agreement
Feeling the need to act smarter than others is part of our ego that is used for self preservation. However, as humans were given the ability to pause, reason and choose a different path that allows us to listen and thank those that give us information we may already know. We can choose to be effective instead of appearing smarter than others.
