When I was new as a manager, I had no idea how to lead others. All I knew was that I was promoted to the position, so I must have been doing something right to get promoted. So my logical brain said...Just keep doing what got you promoted. Never mind that what got me promoted had nothing to do with leading others. As a matter of fact, I define leadership as: Doing good things through others.
In my previous position I was doing good things but they were all done by me. I did not have to influence others to help me get goals accomplished. Wow did I have a lot to learn. Below you will find four powerful insights that I wish I had known when I was first promoted into management.
- If you want to influence others, you need to become a great listener. Your employees want to know that you care about them and listening is one of the best ways to show that you care. Listening shows that you value them and yet it is one of the most difficult skills to develop. Why? Because we are often preoccupied trying to think of what we will say next instead of listening to what is being said. Also, we may be judging the person who is speaking by what they look like or sound like or we choose not to ask clarifying questions when we don't understand. So, how do we become better at listening? Try these tips...
o Give the speaker your full attention, if possible, including eye contact. Even if you are on the phone with them, twirl your chair away from your computer monitor and close your eyes so you are not distracted
o Ask clarifying questions if you get lost in what they are saying so you show that you are listening and care about what they are saying
o Lean forward to stay engagedin the conversation.
- Being vulnerable with your employees is a strength and not a weakness. This insight was hard for me to embrace because I thought showing vulnerability would make me appear weak. Remember the saying..."it is better to keep your mouth shut and make people think you know the answer than to open it and prove that you don't." I don't know where this saying came from but it was circulating in my head for years keeping me from voicing my opinion or admitting that I did not know the answer. It is important that you have competency in your role as leader but to also let people know that you are human. The six phrases that show you are vulnerable as a leader and will build trust on your team are:
o I was wrong
o You are better at that than I am
o I need your help
o I am sorry
o I am not sure
o I made a mistake
- In conflict, it is all about asking the right questions. According to Thomas-Kilmann, there are five styles for handling conflict that are all valid and useful given the circumstances. They include avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising and collaborating. Collaborating is the most assertive and cooperative but takes the most time and therefore is not always the best mode to use. However, if you have the time and the relationship is critical to maintain, I recommend the following four questions to arrive at a collaborative solution:
- What is the situation that confronts (me) you and how do you feel about it?
- What is the worst outcomes for (me) them and you if you do not resolve this conflict?
- What is the best outcome for (me) them and you if you do resolve this conflict?
- What do we need to do to reach our best outcomes?
If you are involved in a conflict with someone else, answer questions using the (me) inserted. When possible, bring those in conflict into a neutral location and use reflective listening where each person must repeat back what they heard before they get the chance to speak. The person who shows the most anger is the one to answer each question first.
- Flexing Your Communication Style is Everything. Using Ned Herrmann's thinking and communication tool called the HBDI, you will find the four unique styles of communication below:
- Task driven through efficiencies
- Safekeeping through list making and control
- Relating to people through storytelling and sharing feelings
- Entrepreneur who gets energy from staring ideas
Because most of use a combination of these thinking and communicating styles, it is equally important to know which style you least prefer. You will find great success if you try to flex your style and gain credibility with those styles you least prefer. Find a few tips below
- If you want to gain credibility with task driven thinkers, do your homework and come prepared to be challenged with how you arrived at your numbers. Don't take debate personally
- If you want to gain credibility with safekeeping thinkers, make an agenda and don't hop from one subject to another bur rather unfold your ideas in a step by step format
- If you want to relate better to others, establish rapport, give eye contact and don't be afraid to share feelings
- If you want to gain credibility with entrepreneurs, think big picture and allow for spontaneous connection and brainstorming.
By becoming an incredible listener, showing vulnerability, handling conflict and flexing your communication style, you will become an effective leader that others trust and go out of their way to follow.
