Five Things You Can Do For a Grieving Widow

 by Marcy Kelly,  Author of From Sorrow to Dancing

Oh no, he didn't really DIE, did he? Her husband died and now your friend is a WIDOW.  You ask yourself what you should or shouldn't do to help and you come up blank.  Fear of saying the wrong thing paralyzes you.

Being a widow is really, really, really hard and being the friend or relative of a widow is equally hard.  I've been the widow twice in my life and I have been the friend or relative of a widow a couple of times.  Even with my personal experience of having been widowed, I found it difficult to know what to say to other widows.  So, after giving the "what do I do for the widow" question a lot of thought and trials, I have come up with several tips to pass along. 

• Allow the widow to cry.  Widowhood equals crying.  It is just that simple.  Widows need to cry in order to relieve the stress and pain associated with loss.  Sometimes well-wishers try to stop the widow from crying rather than just sitting with her while she cries.  Stopping her from crying will lead her to "stuff" the feelings that must be released for healing. Ultimately, not crying will prolong the sadness.  Putting your hand on her arm or your arm around her shoulder while she cries will show that she is not maki
  ng you uncomfortable and will give the widow permission to cry.
   
• Allow the widow to lead the conversation.  A common misconception is that talking about the person who has died will make the widow sadder and prolong her grief.  However, talking about the person who died will really allow the widow, and you, to deal with the grief.  Pretending the deceased person is "away" doesn't allow the brain to fully accept the reality that the deceased person is never coming back.  Not accepting the fact that they won't come back keeps a widow in a state of suspended animation.  It is very hard for the widow to move into the next phase of her life when she expects that her husband will walk through the door at any time.  Talk about how he died, what life was like when he was healthy, what it was like while he was ill, and what it is like now that he is gone.  Tell funny stories and laugh.  Tell touching stories and cry.  Feel all the emotions for these emotions will cleanse the soul of sadness.  But, always, always allow the widow to determine the direction of the conversation.  If she is very sad, even good memories may be too hard to remember.  Someday she will cherish the memories but it takes a very long time to get past the pain.  Simply ask if there are any memories the widow would like to share, and then respect her answer.
  
  
• Don't assume things about the widow.  While meaning to be comforting, people sometimes say things that are very unsettling.  Without asking whether or not the widow has enough money to stay in her home, people sometimes start talking about selling the house.  The idea of selling her house after just losing her husband can frighten a widow.  The best thing to do is to gently ask questions in order to find out how you might help the widow...don't assume anything.
  
  
• Realize that what the widow says today may not characterize how she will feel tomorrow.  The path of grieving is never straight.  One day a widow may feel as though she is back to normal and the next day she may be unable to leave her bed due to grief.  This emotional rollercoaster is normal and takes months or years to pass.  You might be able to tell whether the widow is up or down by how she answers the phone.  However, some widows do a very good job of hiding their feelings so you may need to gently probe to see if she is at the same point she was when you last talked.  Determine what you say by what you hear in her voice and most of all, keep calling her and remain her friend even when she is down.
  
  
• Remember that you cannot make it better or relieve her pain.  The biggest frustration of dealing with grief is that we cannot share another person's pain.  Each person must feel the pain and deal with the grief alone.  Confronting the grief is the best way to conquer it but it will still take time for the widow to move completely through the grief into the rest of her life.  The best thing you can do is to walk the lonely, painful path of grief with the widow.  She must go through this at her own pace, it cannot be rushed.  However, with the help of God and friends, a widow can move 'through' the grief into the rest of her life.  The most important word here is 'through'.  You cannot go around grief.  It is too high, deep, and wide to go around but if you feel the pain and go through the grief you will come out a stronger person on the other side.

About Marcy Kelly: