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No. 28, February 2010
Do you think
you're the favorite child in your family? If so, you may be surprised to find
that your status as #1 has drastically impacted your adulthood -- coloring
everything from your personal and professional relationships to your career
and leadership abilities. In The Favorite Child, clinical psychologist Dr.
Ellen Weber Libby explains there's no doubt that your mother's and father's "favorite factor" plays a role in almost everything you do.
In this Promethean
exclusive Q&A, we've invited clinical psychologist Dr. Stephan B. Poulter,
author of four books, including The Father Factor, The Mother Factor,
and most recently, Your Ex-Factor, to ask Dr. Libby what everyone wants
to know about the advantages and setbacks of being the golden child.
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YOUR FAMILY'S 'FAVORITE FACTOR' HAS
A LASTING EMOTIONAL IMPACT
Prometheus Experts Discuss the
'Favorite-Child' Dynamic
  
Ellen Weber Libby, PhD Stephan B. Poulter, PhD
Dr.
Stephan B. Poulter: What is the
favorite-child dynamic?
Dr.
Ellen Weber Libby: Favorite children are children who are
rewarded for making parents feel good about themselves -- the child with whom the
parent has a strong, positive attachment. The reward is the quintessential
prize: believing that the ultimate competitive struggle of being loved more
than anyone in the family, has been won. Holding this belief, children feel
confident and powerful. They grow up trusting their abilities to impact positively
on the world. To secure this position has positive and negative ramifications
in the life of the favorite child as well as all family members.
SP: Do you believe the favorite-child relationship is a
widespread psychological behavior in most families?
EL: Yes. Favorite-child dynamics occur in all families.
The dynamic is normal and is present in only-child and multiple-child families,
and traditional and nontraditional families. All children have feelings about
being favored, unfavored, or overlooked; and they have feelings about the
roles that siblings hold.
SP: What role does birth order have with a parent and their
favorite child?
EL: Birth order may or may not impact the designation of
favorite child. Culture and family history impact whether or not birth order is
relevant. There are numerous factors, some conscious and some not, that impact
designation of favorite child status.
SP: How would a parent know if they are creating a favorite
child within their present day family?
EL: A parent generally would not know consciously whether or not
they are creating a favorite child. But, most often a spouse or other adults
close to the parent observes the creation of the favorite child.
SP: How common is it for an adult to be aware of either being
the favorite child or second string in their family of origin?
EL: Parents are more likely to be aware of their status in their
families of origin -- whether they were the favorite child, overlooked child, or
unfavored child -- than they are of their own preferences for their own children.
Parents often say, "I love all my children the same," but the children readily
identify who their parents favored. No two people are identical, so no two
people can be loved in the same manner. Similarly, no one person is the same
from moment to moment. So each parent's relationship with each child varies
from moment to moment. In conclusion, who is the favorite child may be
temporary, changing from moment to moment or from one developmental stage to
another; or may be fixed over the lifetime of a family between one parent and
one child.
SP: What are some of the key positive emotional features of
being raised a favorite child?
EL: Having won the ultimate competition as the most loved child
in the family, favorite children grow up confident, believing they can
accomplish anything they set out to. With this mindset, favorite children
mature prepared to take on life's difficult challenges. For example, they come
to Washington, DC, confident they can solve problems of the economy or health
care. In business, they are leaders. On the sports field or in the arts, they
often excel.
SP: What is the relationship between the emotional benefits
and negatives of being the favorite child with the creation of a self-centered
personality (i.e., narcissism)?
EL: Favorite children are vulnerable to growing into
self-centered adults, especially those children who were the permanent and
unquestioned favorite child. As adults, these people commonly struggle with
intimacy, often having affairs or addictions. They struggle to find a mate who
will love them as much as their parent did, which, of course, is impossible.
After their parent dies, they suffer from anxiety as they struggle to live with
a painful void.
SP: Since about 66 percent of families today are some type of
blended family, does the favorite-child relationship occur as often in these
types of homes?
EL: Yes, in blended families, the dynamics of favoritism become
more complicated. Competition to be the most loved by each parent permeates the
relationships among every conceivable combination of family members. Some
children, to be manipulative, claim the position of being the unfavored child
of a parent or stepparent.
SP: How can any adult change their favorite-child legacy and
create a different psychological outcome?
EL: Not all favorite children have to heal. Children who grew up
in healthy families (where favoritism was rotated among the children and not
fixed on one), may use the power gleaned from favoritism wisely. If their
relationships with their siblings are strained, communication between them
about their family experiences is critical. Children who grew up as the only favorite in the life of the
family are more likely to struggle with mental health issues. First, they must
acknowledge their status, confronting their own arrogance, shame, and guilt.
Second, they must begin to acknowledge truths about their relationship with
their parent (in single-parent families) and parents (in traditional
families) -- the benefits and costs of their status. Third, communicating with
siblings begins the process of better family relationships.
Ellen
Weber Libby, PhD (Annapolis, MD), is a licensed clinical psychologist who has been in
private practice in Washington, DC, for over thirty years. Her professional
experience includes the position of clinical director of a mental health center
serving a three-county region and service on the faculty at the University of
Maryland, where she had significant responsibility for clinical training of
students. Libby's Psychology Today blog is also called "The Favorite
Child."
Listen
to Dr. Libby on WNYC's The Leonard Lopate Show
Read
Dr. Libby's "The Favorite Child" blog at Psychology Today
  
Books by Stephan B. Poulter, PhD
Stephan
B. Poulter, PhD (Los Angeles, CA), is the author of four books, including The
Father Factor, The Mother Factor, and, most recently, Your
Ex-Factor. His work has received widespread attention on Good Morning
America, Fox and Friends, CNN, and MSNBC, and in Newsweek, USA Today,
Yahoo! News, and other media outlets. He has practiced as a clinical
psychologist specializing in family relationships for twenty-four years. Dr.
Poulter lectures widely and appears regularly on radio talk shows and news
programs.
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Whether
you're a favorite child or not, the family "favorite factor" reaches far beyond
the #1 child -- it impacts every child in different ways. We hope we've piqued
your interest in this fascinating topic, and that you'll want to learn more
about your place among your siblings, whatever it may be.
We welcome you to become our fan on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, or contact us at marketing@prometheusbooks.com.
Best wishes,
Jennifer Kovach
Prometheus Books |
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