Promethean subscriber exclusive! Q&A with clinical psychologist Dr. Stephan B. Poulter

PB: Who is this book for?
SP: Your Ex-Factor is for anyone how has ever had a significant romantic relationship -- past or presently. Regardless of your current romantic status, most of us have some unresolved residual issues from a prior love relationship or marriage. These feelings, emotions and concerns can play a major role in a current relationship or future relationship.

PB: What exactly is the 'ex-factor?'
SP: The 'ex-factor' by definition is the accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations. All these elements -- acting singly or together -- are impairments to future satisfaction and fulfillment in relationships. The ex-factor is a timeless process and is a universal experience.

PB: Why is it important to understand your ex-factor?
SP: No one is exempt from the cycle of despair, hopelessness, and anger created by a romantic breakup or divorce. It is for good reason that divorce is considered one of the most serious events an adult will ever encounter and experience. Relationship endings have no regard for sexual orientation, race, socioeconomic status, education, gender or age. The more you understand about your love relationships, the more you know about yourself.

PB: Do you feel all relationships have a natural timetable?
SP: Absolutely YES! The problem is most of us ignore that timetable and struggle to extend an expired relationship. I know this concept is very scary and controversial and appears anti-commitment. Truly it is the opposite. Staying emotionally present, insightful, aware of your needs for love and your partner's needs is the safest and surest way to guarantee long-term happiness and satisfaction. I firmly believe and know that people can be together for a lifetime. The key is -- how many marriages do we go through to find ourselves and our enduring partner?

PB: Why is the end of an intimate love relationship so uniquely painful?
SP: This question is the primary concept that motivated me to write this book. Romantic endings are so powerful, painful and confusing because your feelings of rejection, abandonment, hopelessness, and despair are real and legitimate. The biggest problem is that romantic endings have the unique ability of bringing up every unresolved emotion, doubt, critical self-belief and fear a person has ever had or will have. No other adult relationship in your life has that impact on your entire "being." The critical problem with romantic endings is the confusing of past issues with current-day concerns. It is the emotional blending that makes romantic endings emotionally crazy and confusing.

PB: After a significant relationship ends, what are some ways one can move past disappointment?
SP: The first step is to allow yourself the "emotional room" to adequately grieve the loss of your partner. During your re-orientating process, focus on what was your role, your responsibility, and your part in the breakup/divorce. You need to be able to own 100% of your 50% of the relationship. Secondly, don't allow anger and blame to become your response to the breakup. Understanding your disappointment is a big window into what you want and need in your love relationships. Attempt to find out what you have learned about relationships, your needs for feeling loved, and what you will do differently in your next romantic bond.

PB: Discuss the importance of detachment and forgiveness.
SP: It is psychologically impossible to forgive someone when you are emotionally connected to them with anger. Detachment is the precursor to allowing you to gain some emotional perspective about the positives and negatives of the relationship. Forgiveness is truly an act of understanding your role and your partner's role in the relationship. Emotional clarity is always found going through the doorway of detachment. Then and only then can you properly forgive yourself and your partner for the pain caused in the relationship.

PB: What are the 5 stages of recovery from a divorce or break up?
SP: Briefly, the following list is an overview that everyone goes through with a divorce or any type of significant romantic ending:

Whiplash: You are completely numb, shocked by the emotional power and feelings of the romantic ending. Usually the person in this stage is the person being left.

Denial/Avoidance: This is the psychological belief (hope) that you don't have to disconnect emotionally, sexually, physically (moving, finances, children) from your partner. It is the disconnection process that is the most problematic of separating your life from your ex. Many times the person being "left" will do anything to save the relationship.

Anger/Blame: This stage can last months, years, and in worse cases, a lifetime. The only way to move beyond your sense of betrayal, anger and blame is to understand your unspoken disappointment. Disappointment is always covered up by anger, rage, and chronic blaming of your ex.

Personal Responsibility/Resolution: This is the stage where you begin to examine your role and part in the relationship. Resolution always involves taking responsibility for your actions, behaviors, decisions, and how the relationship evolved.

Creativity, Hope, and a Romantic Future: This is the phase where you begin to start looking ahead into your future. You begin to explore what it is that you want, need, and are willing to have in your romantic life.

PB: What are the different styles of feeling loved?
SP: This list is a basic outline of some of the ways that an individual "feels" loved. Knowing your primary style of feeling loved is critical for developing and building a solid romantic partnership. The five types are: verbal, physical/sexual contact, gestures/actions, companionship and acceptance. This list is about what makes you "feel" loved-not how you can love your partner. Your partner also needs to know his or her own style of feeling loved.

PB: Why is it important to understand what actions one needs to feel loved?
SP: Men and women of all ages assume that their partners speak and fully understand their "language of intimacy" and actions of love that they need. It is an erroneous assumption that love works the same way for you as it does for your partner. Many relationships prematurely end because neither partner knows or understands the others needs for intimacy and love.

PB: What are some of the essential steps one must take to move forward and really build a happier life?
SP: The most important step is to realize that your "emotional pain" and despair will eventually end. Emotional change and personal transformation is possible when you have encountered severe psychological pain and trauma. Romantic endings are the right time to reevaluate all the things in your life that are working and aren't working. Your divorce or romantic breakup doesn't have to be an exercise in suffering but rather creating new insight and understanding about your life.

Watch Dr. Stephan Poulter discuss Your Ex-Factor on Fox News Channel's Fox & Friends.

Stephan B. Poulter, PhD (Los Angeles, CA), is the author of three previous books including The Mother Factor and The Father Factor that have received widespread attention on Good Morning America, Fox & Friends, CNN, MSNBC, and in Newsweek, Publishers Weekly, and other media outlets. A clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships for twenty-four years, Dr. Poulter lectures widely and appears regularly on radio talk shows and news programs.