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BLUE CHRISTMAS Tips for managing the holidays while grieving
I couldn't bear to hear my co-workers' happy voices calling out "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year." I had to leave the room for fear of bursting into tears. My daughter died in an accident six months earlier and this was my first holiday without her.
While most of society goes on a journey of peace and joy in December, those who have lost a loved one to death experience a "Blue Christmas." That phrase comes from a song written by Billy Hayes and Jay Johnson and popularized by Elvis Presley. It references feelings of sadness and loneliness during the holiday.
The time from Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanza and New Year's Day is painful and awkward for grievers. Here are some tips for managing the holidays while grieving.
Plan ahead. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday. The key is to plan ahead. Have a family meeting to discuss the best way to do the holiday. Some people opt to completely alter the way they celebrate while others find it comforting to maintain the same traditions.
Set limits for yourself. Know the difference between what you want to do and what you can do. Let go of any perfectionist impulses you harbor about putting on the perfect holiday. If you've been accustomed to doing the major share of shopping, cooking, decorating... consider asking other families members to take on some of those responsibilities.
Plan how you will shop. "I was dreading the very idea of being in a large mall, crowded with festive shoppers, hearing holiday music in the stores," recalls Andrew whose wife died seven months earlier. "Then, a friend suggested I do my shopping online. I had an enjoyable time shopping through the various "stores" and placed all of my holiday gift orders online. It did the trick and kept me out of the malls." If you find it impossible to be in shopping centers, then make holiday purchases from catalogues, from the internet or simply give cash gifts.
Intentionally remember your loved one. As a family, everyone can gather around a candle, light it and observe a few moments of remembrance. Or, consider hanging a stocking for your loved one inviting people to put notes in that stocking containing their thoughts, feelings and memories.
Talk with a good friend about your feelings. If you're sad, talk about the sadness. If you're lonely, talk about the loneliness. Let a good friend listen and be supportive. It will cut down some of the pain. Remember Shakespeare's wisdom: "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."
Take care of your physical self. This means getting regular exercise, eating balanced meals, avoiding alcohol and drugs, and getting adequate rest.
Take care of your spiritual self. Meditate, pray, read inspirational literature and books, participate in the holiday services of your faith community.
Honor your loved one through a holiday memorial gift. Give the amount you would have spent on gifts for your deceased loved one to a charity in his or her name. Another suggestion is to purchase a gift for your loved one but donate it to his or her favorite charity.
Balance activity with solitude. During the hectic pace of the holiday season you will need time to be alone. Balance activity with solitude. The solitude will allow your body and mind to rest and renew.
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