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Courtesy of Marnocha Funeral Home
Dear Friends,
This legend circulates about a good jazz piano player. He was part of a trio who performed regularly at a local bar. He was good and gained a following who came just to hear him play. One night, however, a patron insisted the jazz pianist also sing. The piano player gently dismissed the request saying, "I don't sing." The patron continued insisting he sing so finally the bar owner told the piano player to sing "if you want to be paid this evening." Reluctantly but dutifully, the jazz pianist began to play and sing Sweet Lorraine. It was a standard jazz song except that no one had ever sung it the way it was sung that evening by the jazz pianist named Nat King Cole. His warm, relaxed, baritone voice was an instant success. Had it not been for that bar patron's insistence, Nat King Cole may have remained an unknown jazz pianist playing away in a small bar. Yet, he went on to become one of the best-known entertainers in the country. His story offers powerful lessons for dealing with loss. First, all of us have latent inner powers which simply need to be tapped and expressed. Secondly, his story promotes the asking of ourselves this question: "When was the last time I did something for the first time?" Thirdly, there are times when we must push ourselves beyond our comfort limits in order to discover our deeper powers. Fourthly, we must not permit ourselves to be limited by our challenge. Rather we must challenge our limits. Consider this wisdom from actor and former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger: "We all have great inner power. The power is self-faith. There is really an attitude to winning. You have to see yourself winning before you win. And you have to be hungry. You have to want to conquer."
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That is the conclusion of Columbia University of George Bonanno, a clinical psychologist and researcher on grief. His studies clearly demonstrate that people are highly resilient and do bounce back from loss quickly. Dr. Bonanno's conclusions may surprise some grievers.
Dr. Bonanno also notes that people heal and recover from grief in different ways. Some plunge right back into work, others don't. Some find it helpful to talk, others do not.
"You may feel pangs of sadness for years, but grief is not a steady state," he says. "Even in the first few days after a loss, you may experience moments of pleasure and connection, which, rather than signifying denial, are crucial to coping. Positive emotions help us function day to day and connect us to other people at a difficult time."
He advises grievers to "give yourself permission to experience a full range of emotions without worrying that you're not grieving correctly or enough. Let grief run its course, and know that it will -probably sooner than you think."
