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Courtesy of Marnocha Funeral Home
Dear Friends,
 A woman tells of being in an auto accident which left her in traction, unable to leave her bed for many weeks. Previously she prided herself on the energy she put into her home and family. "My spotless home and my children defined me as a success," she recalls. Because she was suddenly immobilized, a neighbor who had recently graduated from college and was unemployed, began to come over each morning. Faithfully each day, she would get the woman's children ready for school and clean up the house. "She did this while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself." The only thing the mother could do from bed was talk to her children. She read to them each night and for the first time, "I listened to them without distraction. I heard them laugh. I helped them when they cried. I didn't think about dishes or laundry-I just thought about them. In other words, I was a real mom for the first time in their lives." After she recuperated, the woman wrote a long letter of gratitude to her neighbor and tucked the note into her coat pocket as she left one morning. The woman was surprised when her neighbor re-appeared early the next morning. Over coffee, she tearfully told her how much helping her had meant to her. "She had been considering suicide because she didn't feel she had a purpose in life. Helping me gave her a purpose and snapped her out of depression." It's that kind of experience which was noted by Ralph Waldo Emerson who wrote: "It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely help another without helping himself." What about you? Are you feeling lost, lonely, perhaps isolated because a loved one has died? Could you consider stretching yourself and reaching out with compassion to someone who needs you and your help? It's just possible that by helping another person you could take the edge off your own pain. |
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GRIEF IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER, NOT A SERIES OF STAGES
That insight comes from the American Hospice
Foundation. They advise people
that it's best not to think of grief as a series of stages. "Rather, we might
think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs
and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the
beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should
become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work
through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a
family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense
of grief."
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SIMPLE WAYS TO LIFT YOUR SPIRIT
- Push away the negative. Look on the bright side. See what you have left, and not only what you have lost. Have faith in your abilities.
- Be thankful. Identify the many blessings which flow into your life on a daily basis. Express gratitude for them, for every kindness, for every good moment.
- Keep learning. "As long as you live, keep learning how to live" was the advice of the Roman sage, Seneca.
- Spend an hour with a good friend. In a British study, when 86 depressed women were paired with a volunteer friend, 65 percent of the women felt better. In fact, regular social contact worked as effectively as antidepressant medication and psychotherapy.
- Be open to people who care. Remain open to supportive people from all walks of life. It may be a family friend, neighbor, colleague or even a complete stranger. Relax and allow that person to make your day.
- Go for a walk. Many people feel depressed
 during the winter months, when they travel to and from work in darkness and don't get enough natural sunlight. Physical exercise, however, encourages the release of hormones and neurochemicals that boost mood, says Richard Brown, M.D., associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University and coauthor of Stop Depression Now. Walking outside during the day will give you a few short doses of sunlight, also shown to boost mood, particularly in the winter.
- Breathe. Take several deep breaths. Deep breathing is one of the fastest tension busters around, lowering levels of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol and, according to one Harvard researcher, reducing feelings of depression. Here's one simple way to do it: Sit up straight and put your right hand on your abdomen and your left on your chest. Breathe deeply. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth so that the right hand moves with your breath while the left hand stays still. Do this for several long, slow breaths, then concentrate on the newly relaxed feeling of your body as you return to breathing normally.
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LINKS &
UPCOMING EVENTS
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Pulaski Area Bereavement Group
"God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December."
J.M. Barrie |
A grief story which warms the heart
DeeAnn Burnette-Lundquist and Eddie were 19 and 21 when they married in 1976. Because they lived with their parents until their marriage, they didn't have a lot of personal belongings with which to furnish their own home. However, Eddie had a small lock box and DeeAnn asked him what it was. His response was "just stuff" and she never questioned him about it again.
During the marriage whenever they moved Eddie always carefully took his little box to each new location. It was always placed in the closet in an inconspicuous corner. Over the 21 years they were married, DeeAnn simply accepted it as "Eddie's space." Though she was curious about it, she assumed the box probably contained "pictures, letters, etc., from an old girlfriend or something." DeeAnn trusted her husband implicitly and he never betrayed that trust. "The box became an accepted part of our closet."
Then, Eddie died at 43 after a 10 month battle with cancer. "The loss was more devastating than I can begin to describe." Of course, after the death she began to go through his things, keeping some and giving others away. It was then she came across the box. "To my surprise, his 'lock' box wasn't locked and probably never had been. As I opened it, I saw familiar handwriting - my own. The contents of the box were all the letters and cards I ever sent him. He had saved each and every one of them. The joy this brought to me was worth the 21 year wait."
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WHAT TO DO ABOUT GUILT AND REGRETS
Sometimes following a death, survivors are left with feelings of guilt and regret over things said or not said, things done or not done. In his fine book Living With Loss, Healing With Hope, Rabbi Earl Grollman offers this wisdom:"Guilt may eat away at your insides. You writhe with shame as you recall words of scorn and impatience, acts of exasperation and anger. Why didn't you show your love more truly? Why did you let trivial annoyances mar your enjoyment of your loved one's companionship?What is past is past. It cannot be changed. All of us let loving feelings go unexpressed. All of us fail people who care about us. Accept your fallibility. Blaming yourself will not bring your loved one back to life. All you can do is to avoid in the future what you regret in the past." |
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