Dear Friends,

My wife died 8 months ago. Now the holidays are coming. I don't know how I'm going to get through December. ~ Damen, age 43

Last spring my father died unexpectedly and suddenly and now Christmas is approaching. How do I deal with this month? ~ Carrie

The first Christmas after my son, Jeremy, died, I just wanted to sleep the season away. ~ Nancy

When someone we love dies, we miss them daily. But when the holidays arrive - Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa - we miss them more intensely. The three comments from a grieving husband, daughter and mother express concerns common to the recently bereaved.

Yet, steps can be taken to take some of the sting out of the holidays. Here are ten suggestions for managing grief through the holiday season.

1. Begin by trying to be a little more optimistic. Many who have traveled the path of bereavement bear witness to the truth that anticipation of the holiday is often worse than it really is. Remind yourself there are ways to make the holidays easier, less stressful and more satisfying.

 2. Lower your expectations. Grieving is emotionally and physically taxing. This is not the year to plan a "perfect" holiday. Many have found that the first holiday after grief is a good time for a more low key celebration.

3. Plan with your family. Gather opinions from family members about the best way to celebrate. "Our family had a 'bereavement holiday meeting' and we decided to do the holiday pretty much the we'd always done," says one widower. Of course, when it comes to grief, each family should do what feels most comfortable to the majority," he adds.

4. Enlist help. Don't try to do everything or even most of the preparations yourself. Let family, relatives and friends assist you with shopping, cooking, decorating, running errands.

5. Be a creative shopper. Often grievers find it difficult to be in a mall where others are festive, happy, excited. Consider ways around mall shopping such as making purchases on line, ordering via catalogs, or shopping early in the day when there are less people. Consider this woman's approach: "Gift shopping was really hard for me after my son's death. So I bought easy things like gift certificates and shopped when the stores were least busy."

6. Explore and express faith and goodwill. The holidays reflect spiritual themes: love, generosity, togetherness, kindness, compassion, forgiveness. Now is a good time to participate in the many services or community events offered during this time.
7. Memorialize your loved one. To publically memorialize your loved one you can light a candle, hang a stocking or ornament, say a special prayer, observe a moment of silence before a family meal, invite family members present to share a favorite memory of the deceased loved one. Remembering the person this way can be very meaningful for the living.

8. Help someone else. No matter how badly you may be feeling, do something for someone else who is in need. Here's what one family decided upon. "We decided to pool the money that each of us would have spent on gifts for our deceased brother. We used that money - and it was several hundred dollars - to buy a department store gift card and gave it to a struggling family in the neighborhood. Their delight in receiving that surprise gift offset a lot of our grief."

9. Honor your intuitive wisdom. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it. If you just can't go to a party, don't go. If you aren't up to holding a large gathering, then scale it down. If you want to change the yearly tradition rather than doing it the same way, then change it. If you don't feel like doing all that baking or decorating, don't do it, or scale it back. Trust your feelings. Honor and act on them.

10. Take care of yourself physically. As you do this, you will be better prepared to deal with the holiday both physically and emotionally. Some ways of taking care of your physical self include:

· Exercise. This reduces your stress levels, increases your sense of well being and strengthens your body.

· Eat properly. Be cautious about eating too much rich, fattening holiday food and drinks. Avoid alcohol when possible.

· Rest. Do your best to get the rest your body and mind needs. Pace yourself during the month.