Summer is the season for flies and sometimes the season for lies.  Schedules change, old friends surface, expectations and rules may be slackened -- and our college-aged children who have been living on their own often feel that they can do as they please.  My clients often share stories about how frustrating they find it when they catch their emerging adult telling lies. The situations around which this age group seems to more commonly lie, are:

 

 

For most children, the familiar pattern is that when they have told the truth about something that they know is wrong or unacceptable to their parents, it has resulted in an argument or some sort of punishment. Both of these reactions usually instill a sense of fear in the child and it then becomes less stressful, in the short-term, for children (of all ages) to leave out bits of information, to tell a "little" lie, or avoid providing central pieces of information.  As parents, we think the fear or threat of confrontation or punishment will prevent the undesired situation or behavior from occurring, but that is usually not the case when our children are older.

 

In order to open up the lines of communication we need to remove the fear.  One of my clients was  concerned that her daughter might drink and drive.  She shared, "Well she won't call us for a ride or take a taxi, because then she knows that we will know that she has been drinking -- and she would never tell us that, because she's afraid what we will do."  My client shared a litany of consequences about how she and her husband would react and I asked, "But what do you REALLY want to have happen in this situation?  Do you really want her to be so afraid of your reaction that she gets in the car and then drives?"  She said, "I see what you mean, "We REALLY want our daughter to feel comfortable enough to call us so she doesn't drive." 

 

The parents wanted their daughter to tell the truth and ask for assistance, because the last thing they wanted was for her to risk her life and the lives of others.  Once they focused on what they really wanted their daughter to do, they were able to talk with her about drunk-driving situations that happened in their community -- some even concerning people they knew -- and they shared what they would like her to do if/when she finds herself in that same situation. During the conversation the daughter also offered the idea that she could perhaps stay over where she was as another option to calling them or taking a taxi, and the parents were then able to share that if their daughter employed any one of the three solutions they would see her as successfully handling the situation.  This is vastly different than her fearing their reaction.

 

If you suspect or know that your child is lying, take time to identify the situations around which he or she seems to do so.  Identify the fears your child likely has about your reactions to those situations.  Determine if the fear gets in the way of your child making a good decision or behaving in a desired way.  Isolate what decision or behavior you truly seek and consider ways to remove the fear factor. 

 

We all function better when we don't feel fearful, when we are viewed as successful in our decisions, when we have choices to which we have contributed, and when we have clear expectations to guide us.