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| February 2010 Newsletter |
SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com |
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Successful College Parenting Strategies |
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| Greetings! |
 This past December our family adopted a 2-year old dog and we enrolled him (and us) in a class called the Family Dog. Attending the class has brought to my attention that I can be inconsistent in my training role -- and after the second class I couldn't help but wonder if some of the inconsistencies that I lean toward in dog training are perhaps also exhibited in my parenting. In both relationships I am a teacher and in both relationships I am modeling and shaping desired behaviors. There are definitely parallels between what I experience as I train our dog and what I experience as I raise my daughter.
SHAPING BEHAVIORS
How many times do I say my dog's name before he comes? How many times do I typically say my daughter's name before she comes? In the dog training class I have become aware that by saying my dog's name again and again, without him actually coming, that I am reinforcing that he doesn't need to respond.
I now understand that I have effectively established a similar pattern with my daughter. When I call her 3 or 4 times and she doesn't come for dinner I have reinforced that she doesn't have to come right away, yet the behavior I seek is for her to come now as opposed to later.
REINFORCING THE POSITIVES
Another aspect of dog training is to give attention to what is working, yet as a society we often focus on all the problems. What I have learned in my parent coaching of clients and training in Appreciative Inquiry, is that even for parents who feel that nothing is working there is usually a granule of something positive that can be expanded, even if it is just a desire for things to be different or better. The same is also true for training one's dog. Think about it, our energy goes to where we give our attention, right?
MORE THAN LOVE
My final observation in the dog training class is that love is essential, but not enough. All the dogs in the class are wildly loved, as are our children, but love is only part of the equation that facilitates the desired behavior and growth. Teaching and modeling desired behaviors are also essential elements in dog training and parenting.
I never imagined when I embarked on dog training that it would provide a lens through which to examine my parenting. I now realize that dog training is as much about training the pet owner as the pet, and as I sit in the class I marvel at how people dedicate time to, and spend money on, classes to teach their pets, but they will parent their children on a wing and a prayer.
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| Long Distance Love: Expressing love and support to your student |
 There are volumes written about how to maintain a long distance relationship, as in the romantic kind, but very little has been written about maintaining and expressing parental love and support when a child goes away to college.
Perhaps the experts think we will just figure it out, and of course for the most part we do, yet in my parent coaching work I encounter parents who feel a strong sense of loss and sadness when they cannot convey what was once so easy for them through a caring hug or daily acts of kindness. Students also share, "we still want you to tell us you love us even though we are on our own."
Join me and co-contributor Jane Stachowiak, Director of Student Wellness & Health Promotion at Berklee College of Music, as we consider ways to expand expressions of long distance parental love and support.
Click to continue reading and to begin thinking about your evolving relationship with your student. |
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February Webinars |
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Winter Webinar Schedule & Registration are posted and new sessions are frequently added.
View workshops and register to attend sessions. Can reserve your spot in as little as 48 hours in advance.
February's Webinars:
- Communicate, Coach, Connect
- The Parenting Roller Coaster
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| Kay's News |
Building Blocks to Successful College Transition
Presenting with Marty Bledsoe, Carroll University; Laurie Peterson, Univ. of Wisconsin-Milwaukee at Rehabilitation For Wisconsin Conference.
This interactive session is targeted towards rehabilitation professionals who work with students with disabilities preparing for college. Attendees will develop a high school curriculum template as an opportunity for student growth and to serve as an influential coaching model for parents.
Colleges excited to offer webinars! Planning for spring webinars is well underway.
Consider a Parenting Check-up to periodically discuss your parenting approach, explore new strategies, and affirm your parenting choices. Learn more here |
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| Communication Central - Tough Conversations |
 Sometimes I hear parents say that as their children get older they find it easier to have conversations about personal safety, sex, alcohol and drugs, but other parents express that they wished they had said and shared much more earlier in their child's development.
At the heart of our communication with our high school and college aged children is our desire to provide them with information so that they can make decisions to protect their well-being when we are not around. We also want to help our children to experience us as interested in talking about various topics, and to learn from them what they are hearing and experiencing as well.
Ask yourself the following:
1. Are there topics that I avoid or dislike discussing with my student? (What are they?)
2. Why do I feel this way about some topics and not others?
3. What do I need to do to create more ease in discussing these topics? (Talk with others, gather more infomation, figure out a good time and place, think about life stories I might share, think of questions that show my genuine interest in my child's experiences, etc.)
I have a friend who shared that she was so relieved to have already had the "sex conversation" with her daughter -- and she went on to say, "I am glad I won't have to have that conversation again." And this is where the parenting trap resides, thinking that because we have discussed something once, twice or even three times, that it was enough. The most important thing is to never feel like these conversations are over --- recognizing that the content can and should evolve as your child is exposed to more life experiences.
It was Confuscious who said: "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." The work of Malcolm Knowles also embodies some assumptions about learning that we might consider incorporating as we talk to our emerging adults about tough topics:
- Adult learners bring life experiences to the learning process that should be acknowledged.
- Adults need to know why they need to learn something, and how it is relevant to their lives.
- Experiential, hands-on learning is effective with adult learners.
- Adults approach learning as problem-solving.
- Adults learn best when the topic is of immediate value to them in their lives.
- Adults respond better to internal versus external motivators.
Knowles, Malcolm S., Elwood F. Holton III, and Richard A. Swanson. 1998. The Adult Learner. Houston: Gulf Publishing. |
| Did you know... When College Students Drink |
The most frequently cited consequences of their drinking over the previous 12 months, reported by college students who drank alcohol were that they:
Did something they regretted
Forgot where they were or what they did
Had unprotected sex
Physically injured themselves
From the American College Health Association, American College Health Association - National College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Executive Summary Fall 2008, Baltimore, American College Health Association; 2009. | |
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Enjoy this month's newsletter and please feel free to e-mail me with topics you'd like to learn more about. SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com is your resource for enhancing your child's college experience. Visit the website to read this month's article and access the archive.
Kay Kimball Gruder, M.Ed., Parent Coaching Institute™ Certified Parent Coach®
Successful College Parenting Strategies Newsletter Copyright © 2010 by Kay Kimball Gruder, SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com
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