Our plates are full ... we're moving fast ... and, we may well be falling into communication patterns that are sabotaging our success. At our third-quarter chapter meeting held at the Doubletree Guest Suites Times Square on June 14th, Sue Hershkowitz-Coore, CSP (aka "Speaker Sue") presented "Looking for the 2nd Right Answer!"--alerting us to the ineffectiveness of "default" communication patterns.

Drawing on her own personal experience and using audience participation and role-play, SpeakerSue demonstrated how defaulting into familiar communication patterns (like using anger to respond to annoying situations) most often does not bring positive results. Sue presented an all-too-common scenario to the audience:

"What would you do if someone was kicking the back of your airplane seat on a 4-hour flight, stopping and starting again?" One common "default" pattern would be to get angry and lash out at the offender, assuming he was extremely selfish or worse-purposely trying to antagonize you. In order to change your default pattern, you have to change your thoughts: humanize the situtation, and give your "antagonist" the benefit of the doubt: why would a decent, normal human being act like this? Maybe there is a reason for his behavior. Maybe he is ill or extremely tall. Most likely, he is focused on this own comfort, unaware that his actions are affecting you.

Making assumptions creates a "backstory"for your response that may be completely off-base. Changing the thoughts we have before starting a conversation, and being mindful of how we communicate our messages help us better handle situations and get the results we desire. "Start every conversation at zero and with the heart," Sue advised. "Approach each encounter with curiosity, versus anger, using phrases such as 'I wonder why this is happening?"before responding immediately.

Tom Crum, a black belt in the martial art of aikido, spoke to this communication concept in his quote, "Would you rather be happy or right?" We each have a choice. We can stand our ground and try to steamroll ahead with our point and be "right."Or, we can step back, accept the other person's viewpoint, respectfully help them to move in another direction, and be "happy."

In order to communicate and achieve our objectives, it's up to us to elevate the conversation. We need to listen openly. We need to develop the ability, courage and strength to step back and listen for points of agreement. Helping others feel safe and smart by using phrases like, "you're right and ..." or "yes, and ..."is a tactic that helps us disarm our conversation partner and show cooperation. Communicate in a way that makes it comfortable for others to respond. Once you find common ground, highlight this commonality and use words to support and affirm the other person's mind-set--especially in times of disagreement during a conversation.

Are invisible bricks building up between you and others? When we think about looking for the "2nd right answer", we need to ask ourselves if habits are crowding out opportunities to do things better and smarter? What do we need to unlearn? Do we tend to get sucked in by others' agendas and fail to be firm and clear about our own objectives? It's up to us to reframe negativity.

The most effecitve way to find the "2nd Right Answer" is to "start from the heart" with curiosity, disarming and enabling better conversations. Abandoning default reactions and assumed backstories while being sincere and showing your gratitude by saying "thank you" will garner the results, recognition and respect you deserve.

__________________________________________________

Look for SpeakerSue's book published by Prentice Hall, "How To Say It to Sell It: Key Words, Phrases, and Strategies to Build Relationships, Boost Revenue, and Beat the Competition".