4Q Communicating When Strangling Is Not An Option

eNewsletter - 4th Quarter 2009

Communicating When Strangling Isn't An Option

By Sue Hershkowitz-Coore
www.SpeakerSue.com
Copyright @ 2009

When planning a meeting, there is one thing you can be certain of ... someone will be difficult to work with. Someone will have his or her own agenda, not follow your plan, or create a situation where you don't look good, prepared or right. With all the stress of meetings and the huge importance of successful outcomes for multiple stake-holders, someone will get on your nerves, frustrate you and make the entire planning process much more difficult than it should be.

What can you do to maintain your professionalism and be heard?

Change your backstory
The man seated behind me on the airplane was kicking my seat. He wasn't just tapping it lightly, annoying enough. No, he was bashing my seat with his foot. I tried to give him "the look," but because I was seat-belted in, I couldn't swear he saw it. After a few minutes, the banging stopped. But I didn't stop thinking about what a moron he was. And how inconsiderate! How could he not know that he was slamming into my seat? Did his mother forget to teach him manners? When the banging resumed a few minutes later, I moved into action. I whipped off my seat belt, stood over him, and said, "Excuse me, but I'd appreciate it if you would stop banging my seat!" He replied, "I would, if I didn't have Parkinson's."

Ouch and ouch. My reaction caused both of us to lose our dignity. What caused me to react the way I did? It wasn't his banging my seat. It was the story I made up in my mind about how rude, thoughtless and motherless he was. With that story firmly in place, I righteously confronted him -- and embarrassed us both.

What could I have done? I could have changed my backstory. I could have given him the benefit of doubt in my mind by asking myself, Why would a normal, decent human being do this? By asking that question, I could have come up with at least two authentic reasons that would have allowed me to speak to him, not out of frustration, but out of curiosity:
1. Maybe he wasn't aware I could feel it.
2. Maybe he couldn't help it.

Had I approached him with either of those kind thoughts in my mind, I would have been more likely to say something respectful like, "Excuse me. I'm wondering if you know that I can feel your foot through the back of my seat?" At that point, he might have apologized, explained or tried to re-position so that his foot would move to a place that wouldn't be bothersome.

What do you think about before you have a difficult conversation? Check yourself. Do you think about how this person has consistently been a pain, doesn't follow through, or isn't a team player? Or do you think, I wonder if there is a reason this person is doing it this way? Could I have explained my wishes differently? Could I have made it easier for him or her to do what I need? Be aware of the conversation you have with yourself before conducting a conversation with someone else. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. You'll approach them differently and they'll be more likely to hear what you have to say.

Step back. Help the other person feel safe and smart.
The meeting planner broke down crying and, as I tried to make a tactful exit from the lobby, I could hear her say: "Of course I planned for this." Her boss answered, "Well, it's not the first thing you've forgotten." At that, she started crying so hard she couldn't respond. (All this in the lobby of the hotel!)

Ouch again.Where did the conversation go wrong? Where they usually do. The meeting planner mishandled the communication by defending herself instead of stepping back.

Okay, of course, I see her boss was a brute. But that doesn't matter. She could have chosen a different path that would have given her a different and better response. She could have managed him and the conversation by stepping back, instead of trying to defend herself. Had she helped the other person (in this case, her rude boss) feel safe and smart, she would have been more likely to help him see she had done what he asked. As it was, as soon as she became defensive, he lashed out again.

Whether he deserved her respect is beside the point. She could have maintained her dignity by stepping back and asking herself, "Why would a normal person say this like this? He is upset about something. It may not be me. Whatever it is, I have the power to help him and come out on top." When he initially accused her of whatever (unknown to me), she could have responded with appreciation or curiosity and without defensiveness. What if she had said, "Thank you, I appreciate the reminder. I had arranged for it to be in Salon A. Is that okay?"

Even if he had counter-punched with "No, it needs to be in Salon B," she still could have maintained her professionalism. "Oh. Okay. At the pre-con, I thought we had agreed to Salon A. I'll have it moved now." Step back. Help the other person feel safe and smart, and you win.

Instead of lowering yourself to the other person's level, raise him or her to yours. Don't get sucked in by their negativity or emotional outburst. It doesn't matter if it's an email, a conference call or a F2F meeting. Manage your conversations - every conversation - by changing the story in your mind about the situation, stepping back and taking care to help the other person look good. By focusing on the power you have to communicate kindly, you'll want to strangle them much less often!
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Sue Hershkowitz-Coore holds a masters degree in counseling, and a fellowship from UC Berkeley, and uses her expertise to help sales professionals and others communicate more persuasively, professionally and powerfully. Author of How to Say It To Sell It and Power Sales Writing, SpeakerSue is an MPI Platinum speaker and was named "Best in Class - 2009-2010" by PCMA. To schedule Sue to speak for your staff and at your next meeting, please email Sue@SpeakerSue.com. Visit her website, www.SpeakerSue.com, follow Sue on Twitter and visit her blog, SpeakerSueSays.