Patient Newsletter

We have recently had some families asking when they should start talking to their teens about sex and ideas on how to broach the subject. In fact, if you are waiting until your children are teens, you have waited too long to broach the subject. Children are naturally curious and by the age of 4 or 5 most children recognize and are interested in the differences between boys and girls. It is important that parents answer children's questions honestly, using the correct terms, and only provide the details the child is asking about; most young children are interested in differences they can see between boys and girls and not the mechanics of intercourse.

Dr. Mark Shuster (chief of general pediatrics at Children's Hospital Boston) offers the following 10 tips on talking to teens about sex:

It's OK to be honest and say, "I'm a little embarrassed to talk about these issues, and perhaps you are too, but it's important that we talk about sex and so we are going to."
Make sure you address two key points when talking to children 12 and older:

The first is sexual ethics; discuss the conditions under which sex is or isn't acceptable and say that you expect their sexual behavior to be respectful and consensual.
The second is protection; express concerns about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unintended pregnancy.

Admit mistakes you make during these conversations; don't be afraid to go back to your child a few days after a talk and say, "I didn't say that quite right, let me correct myself."
Parents are often afraid they won't know an answer to a child's question; you can tell your teenager, "I won't know all the answers to your questions, but if I don't, we can look it up together."

If you don't know something, you can go to credible Web sites, like the National Institutes of Health (nih.gov).
You and your teen can also ask us your questions together.

Many parents worry that their kids will ask them about their own sexual history.

You don't have to describe what you have and haven't done.
Instead, you could say something like, "I want to keep that private. But how would you feel if I did have sex in high school? How would it affect the decisions you're making?"

Some parents think they have to be the same gender as their child to talk about sex, but both parents should feel like they can address these issues.
Find teachable moments. For example, if you read an article about a new contraception or hear that sexually transmitted disease rates are going up, start a conversation about safe sex and how well contraception works.
If you're in a stage when your teenager will just not talk to you about any sensitive topic, you could find a favorite aunt or close family friend who can talk to him. Or you can talk about these topics in front of the child but not to him. Parents can talk about issues related to sex with their adolescent in the same room or the next room.

There are some great books available to help parents in discussing issues of sex and sexuality including:

Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz and Lynne Avril Cravath
Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster