Having the conversation3. Use 'I' rather than 'you': Avoid suggesting criticism or blame and inviting a defensive response by using 'I' e.g. 'I am concerned that these targets are not being met, what do you think can be done?' is more helpful than 'Why is it that you're not meeting targets?'. A clear and productive statement is particularly important when opening the conversation.
4. Validate all sides by using the 'And Stance': Remember that whilst you may appear to agree on the facts, what these actually mean may differ, such as who is at fault, what the intentions were or what the consequences are. Douglas Stone (1999) recommends using 'and' to ensure all perspectives are acknowledged e.g. 'So you think we should change the process and I think we don't need to - let's talk about this'.
5. Actively listen throughout: Difficult conversations will not move forward unless the individual feels their perspective has been not only heard but also understood. Whilst you should look out for the other's emotional response, you should also avoid presuming what their feeling are and ask clarifying questions e.g. 'You don't feel happy about this - why is that?'. Remember that whilst you wish to address the facts of the matter, feelings must be heard and responded to first throughout the conversation. Then you can summarise where similarities lie, in order to encourage collaboration on a solution.
These tips are based on our new report
Handling difficult conversations at work - please just email
enquiries@lcp.org.uk with the subject line 'difficult conversations' if you would like to receive a free copy of the full survey results and guide for managers, including extensive practical advice. The
two-page executive summary is available to download here (PDF).
