HEALING THE PAIN IN RELATIONSHIPS
Most of us have fully recognized the pain of being alone without a partner, lonely and inadequate. When we find love, this pain goes away for a time. We feel whole, happy, and complete. The first few months are usually wonderful, but this is followed by the emergence of issues that accompany the challenge of remaining connected but also separate in order to follow our own goals and interests.
As we try to meet these challenges, several complications arise. Perhaps our partner feels too distant and we begin to feel unloved. Or perhaps they want too much time and attention from us and we feel smothered.
When this shift occurs, as it does in all relationships, we feel the pain of loss of that early state of closeness. It is important to understand that some kind of pain will always surface because however fulfilling our primary relationships are, they are never meant to be the only source of happiness. If you can somehow accept the pain that comes with your relationships, it's possible to grow and mature through the pain.
The first steps are to: 1) recognize that there is pain in your relationship; 2) name the source of pain -- is it worry that your partner will leave? Is it sadness due to reminders of past loves that have passed away? Is it jealousy that your partner may find others more appealing and fulfilling than you? 3) Make direct requests of your partner to respond in ways that may ease this pain for you. Do not expect your partner to know magically what you need.
Recent research has examined the neurology of love. The euphoric feelings of romantic connection has been linked to surges of dopamine, a key mechanism in the brain's reward pathways. Studies have also shown that people in pain feel less pain when undergoing painful procedures if they are shown pictures of their loved ones. A study at Stanford University revealed that students with induced sensations of pain experienced equal pain relief due to distraction as with pictures of their romantic partners. Interestingly, distraction seemed to work through cognitive pathways while the love connection appeared to stimulate the dopamine reward pathways.
This kind of research offers evidence for the finding that the brain can stimulate pain-controlling responses without medications, although interestingly, when new love fades to commitment, the same brain responses are not triggered. Yet engaging in new activities with a long-term partner can stir similar brain reward feelings of early passion, a good idea, of course, whether you are in pain or not!
Another perspective on this topic is to consider how mindfulness can enhance connection in your love relationships. All of us enter new relationships with unfinished pain from the past. If you have had a painful or abusive relationship with either or both parents, you may have great difficulty relating freely with your adult partner. Past emotional scars can be connected to inner ego states that perpetuate the conflicts of past attachments in the present time.
We offer you two excellent resources for help in this area. You may want to sign up for the audio replay for the teleseminar with Bonnie Badenoch on The Science of Relationships (go to www.maggiephillipsphd.com/courses_teleseminars_bb.html to learn how to create more rewarding opportunities and less pain in your relationships). An additional resource is the upcoming Hypnosis and Mindfulness seminar with Michael Yapko on June 2nd. We'll be covering topics such as:
- How to build positive states of mind in the present that can counteract painful experiences of the past;
- Ways to create flexible self-focus to stay within a positive framework;
- Methods to develop non-judgmental acceptance of your partner and your own reactions;
- How self-hypnosis can encourage full participation in every moment;
- Mindfulness as a strategy to interrupt the experience of being victimized by others by strengthening internal beliefs that you can choose to shape your own reality (inner locus of control).
Please consider joining us for this seminar. For more information and registration, go to www.maggiephillipsphd.com/courses_teleseminars_my3.html. As usual, our teleseminar package includes permanent access to 90 minutes of content rich audio, a study guide to organize your learning, the opportunity to ask your most compelling questions to expand your skills and growth; and the possibility to purchase our Highlights edited transcript and professional CEU's.
Thanks as always for your support and for taking the time to read this newsletter.
My best wishes for your continued growth,
Maggie
Bonnie Badenoch is a presenter I have watched with great interest for the last couple of years. I have found her book How to Be a Brainwise Therapist hugely helpful. In fact, one of my monthly consultation groups is currently reading and discussing her book with great interest. If you did not join us for our teleseminar on May 2, we have decided to extend the registration deadline so that 