Whoever says adolescence is the best time of
your life doesn't remember being a teenager
and/or doesn't know one. Adolescence is
rocky and scary and hard. It's a time full
of "firsts" and all the excitement but also
the pressure that comes with that. Most
parents of adolescents feel fear. Fear for
their child's safety and development, fear of
the choices they'll have to make by
themselves and, often times, fear of their
child's mood swings and sudden distancing.
This is the first time in your child's life
that she/he is going out on their own,
spending more time away from you than with
you, and starting to question everything you
say while trusting their friends over you.
Adolescence is an awkward time, in between
childhood and adulthood, a time when the teen
wants to be independent but isn't quite ready
to be. Adolescents often experience what my
mother calls the "superman" complex, which
drove me crazy when I was a teen but which I
understand better now. It describes the
concept that teens feel their actions have no
consequences and that the rules don't apply
to them. I know you've all heard this a
thousand times before, but this is perfectly
normal. These days there is a lot of
information about how dangerous this can be
and all the horrific ways that events during
adolescence can ruin people's lives and
self-esteem. As I said, adolescence is
incredibly hard and scary, but everyone goes
through it, and most of us come out okay.
It's very important to understand that as
you've raised your child, you've given him or
her morals and values and raised him or her
to be self-assured and strong. This does not
all go flying out the window on his or her
13th birthday. Even though hormones come
into play, in conjunction with the media,
peers and everything else, your child is
still the person he or she was before
adolescence. Now, your child is just
struggling to find who he or she wants to be
independent from anyone else. They're
dealing with all the "firsts" and how they
want to be seen in the world by people
besides you, and testing their own boundaries
at the same time.
One of the big "firsts" that comes with
adolescence and one that is one of the
scariest for most parents, is sex. One thing
that is necessary to understand right off the
bat is that your teen is going to be exposed
to sex and sexuality. This doesn't mean they
are necessarily engaging in sexual
intercourse or even dating, but it means they
probably know more than you think they do.
They also are unbelievably curious and want
to know more. However, learning more from
you might be completely mortifying to them,
especially if you make a big deal out of
talking about sex with them. "The Talk" is
no longer the way to go about it. This made
more sense in the past when there wasn't so
much sex in the media and everywhere around
them, and young people were more innocent and
less exposed to outside influences. Now,
kids have been seeing sexual images (no
matter how good your parental controls are)
since they were young, and have probably
sought out answers from others before coming
to you. Therefore, the best way to
communicate with your teens about sexuality
is starting from a young age (when they start
asking questions) and continuously, in a
comfortable fashion. This doesn't mean the
first time your child asks you where he comes
from you sit him down and explain intercourse
(because the answer to his question might be
Minnesota!) It just means that you keep
sexuality as a topic that your children feel
comfortable discussing with you, and that you
answer their questions as they come in the
form of on ongoing dialogue. This will help
children feel safer about coming to you with
questions and confiding in you once they
reach adolescence. Some of my favorite talks
with my parents when I was a teenager were
when they would tell me about stories from
their own adolescence (making sure they were
age appropriate, of course). I read my
mother's journals from when she was 14 when I
was 14, and I found them fascinating. Your
teens may act like they couldn't be less
interested in your life. However, chances
are that having solid proof (such as stories
or documents) showing you went through the
same sort of things they are going through
will get their attention. Tell them about
your first kiss and how nervous you were, how
embarrassing it was, etc. Funny or
embarrassing stories help remind your kid
that you were once their age too, and that
the things that seemed mortifying to you at
the time are funny now.
It's also important to understand that there
are going to be times when your teen isn't
going to want to confide in you, and you're
going to have to be okay with that. Chances
are you're not going to want to know some of
it! The most important thing to remember is
that adolescence is often scary and
difficult, and your teen's problems - although
seemingly minute to you at times - are very
real and important to him or her. The best
thing you can do is listen to them and answer
their questions honestly. It's also very
important to remember that sexuality during
adolescence isn't always as terrible as the
media make it out to be and it very well
might not be like that for your teen. There
still are loving relationships in which
sexual exploration is healthy and normal, and
this can be very good for your teen and his
or her development. "Firsts" don't always
have to be avoided; sometimes they are simply
exciting and important for growth. So before
deciding to take drastic measures with your
teens to attempt to prevent them or protect
them from the dangers of adolescence, talk to
them. They're the ultimate resource on what
it's like to be a teen in today's world. If
you approach them as someone who loves and
cares about them and respects them as
developing adults, as opposed to someone
who's trying to keep them children, you can
help. And, even if it doesn't seem like it,
they are listening!
Here are some brief pointers on how to
talk to your teens about sex:
- Don't go into attack mode. Even if you
just found condoms for the first time in your
son's closet, don't attack! The only thing
you'll get from that is an angry response
about how you shouldn't have been in his
closet and that you don't respect his
privacy. Instead, talk to your teen calmly
and ask him or her if he or she needs
information about how to be safe, or if the
school has been addressing sexual education
yet. Don't make it a big deal, just let them
know that you are there as a resource if they
need you.
- Sometimes it's good to take their
advice and back off. If your teens feel
cornered or suffocated, they won't tell you
anything. They will retreat and most likely
lash out. Make it known that you're there if
they want to talk, but don't push it.
- Keep it light. Don't make
conversations about sex daunting and stern,
but let the topic come and go in normal
conversation. This will help your teen
realize that you are comfortable with his or
her development into adulthood, which will
make him or her more likely to trust you.
- Monitor their actions, but from a
distance. Making sure you're home when your
teen has friends over is good, but making
them sit in the living room with you the
whole time is not. When I was a teenager and
my boyfriend would come over, I knew that my
mom was home but she wouldn't constantly
check up on us or hover over us. Just
knowing that she was there made us more
cautious, and knowing she was there made me
feel safer. She always said I could use her
as an excuse if I felt pressured, and this
was comforting to me. Nobody likes feeling
pressured, and if you're there and let your
teen know that they can use you (even coming
up with some sort of a code word with them)
as an excuse to get out of something
uncomfortable, that will not only help them
avoid those situations but it will also make
them feel closer to you.
- Ask them questions about their lives.
Teens love to talk about themselves, their
boyfriends, their girlfriends, and the drama
in their friend groups. Why do you think
they're on the phone and/or the internet all
the time? If you keep updated on what's
going on and ask them direct questions
instead of a vague "how was school today?"
they will feel like you are genuinely
interested and they will start confiding in
you more. And please, try not to get
judgmental about what they share!
- Remember that you were a teen once too,
that this does pass, and if you maintain
authority but don't try and control them too
much your relationship will come out stronger
in the end. Also, have fun! Being young is
great, and staying connected with your kids
as they go through this exhilarating
transition will be beneficial for both of
you.
Claudia Lux is a junior at Sarah Lawrence
College in New York. She is concentrating on
gender and sexuality studies and photography.
Her primary focus is on female adolescent
development, specifically in the realm of
sexuality and sexual health. Claudia
recently completed an internship in the
Education Department at Planned Parenthood
League of Massachusetts and currently is
studying abroad in the Netherlands for a year.
These are the opinions and suggestions of
Claudia Lux, not necessarily those of PPLM.
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