|
|
|
|
| Conflict: Doing Better Battle
written by Alexandra Timoteo
edited by Asia Nelson
|
|
|
|
 Let's face it: we all fight.Conflict is inevitable in close relationships, from parents to friends to lovers.Most of us believe fighting = bad, but conflict can be a very quick way to unearth deeper feelings and issues. The art is in unearthing useful feelings and issues. You don't need to stop fighting, you just need to learn how to stop fighting badly.So how do you do that? Dr. John Gottman, in a study of over 3000 couples, discerned the differences between good fighting and bad fighting. Gottman observed that couples who were destined to break up or divorce used some or all of the habits he's aptly named "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" while discussing a conflict. The Four Horsemen of the Fighting Apocalypse 1. Criticism. It's important to understand, in order to avoid this destructive fighting style, that whatever the problem with your relationship, it is not a defect in your partner or their upbringing. 2. Defensiveness. This is any technique used to ward off a perceived attack. Often this includes a counter-attack or acting as the "victim" of the argument. What you want to learn is the opposite of this. Cultivate curiosity towards your partners' complaints. Ask questions about your contributions to the problem. 3. Contempt. This insidious attitude was at the heart of a great many eventual relationship demise in Gottman's research. Any comment that implies that your partner is inferior to you classifies as contempt. Often this comes in the form of snide remarks, name-calling or even correcting someone's grammar. According to Gottman, contempt is "the best predictor of divorce ... and a predictor of how many infectious illnesses the recipient of contempt will get in a year". 4. Stonewalling. This is the lack of listening cues, like head nodding, making eye contact or responding. Stonewallers are completely tuned out of the conversation. |
|
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John M. Gottman
List Price: $15.00
Our Price: $6.94
Buy Now
|
|
Peace Treaty
What can you do when you find yourself or your partner criticizing, becoming defensive, feeling contempt or stonewalling in an argument? The Yoga Sutras state that when we feel overcome with negativity, it's best to redirect our attention to something positive to fill the space where negativity can grow. So Instead of criticism, remember it's you and your partner working together on a problem between you two - not that he/she/you are the problem. Instead of defensiveness, use curiosity to ask questions and seek clarity, always remembering that your love for each other is stronger than this current issue, no matter how emotional it is right now. Instead of contempt, remind yourself that your partner is a divine being having a human experience, just like you. Or, as John Watson reminded us Be kind, for everyone you meet is in a hard battle Arguments are opportunities to understand what's really important to your partner, and to you. Let the fire 'purify your gold' rather than consume you both.
Instead of stonewalling, participate in the conversation. Shutting down and shutting out are tools for weak hearts. If you're willing to love another, you're no weak heart. Trust in your strength and stay present for the other strong heart across from you. |
|
The Challenge
 The challenge for today is to be honest to yourself: How many of these habits do you use? How often? It's really easy to say "Nope, not me, I'm an angel" but cultivate satya: "truthfulness". Especially when tempers are flaring, it's so easy to see the faults in the other person and not recognize our own contribution to the issues. Take time when you're in a truce to consider and discuss with your partner kindly and candidly, what ways you may each sabotage a healthy battle by using the Four Horsemen. Then, commit to cooling down amidst your next heated debate and being willing to see where you're not playing fair.
|
|
Ask Abby, er, I mean Alex!
We at Pranalife Yoga are so proud of all of you who've taken this challenge and we've loved the positive feedback on the email posts - thank you! These challenges are one of those things we love to do because it helps support our community off the mat as well as on. We want you to be great yogis and yoginis in the world!
For our final week we'd like to open the conversation to be two-way. We want to hear how the challenge has been for you, what you've tried, loved, kept, or tossed. As well, we'd like to address any of your questions in our final posts, so send away! Alex Timoteo, our resident psychology guru, yogini and the main author of these posts, is excited to hear from you and draw from her research and knowledge to give you more ideas for how to be a better 'better half'.
Send your questions to Pranalife Yoga at info@pranalife.ca
Namaste!
|
|
Take a Pranalife Yoga class together
See our full schedule
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
