5 Reasons Families Choose NOT  

to Have the  

Tough Conversations about   

Elder Issues 

1.  Concern that other family members won't have the same ideas or thoughts. Why invite arguments?

2. Living far away from others creates such inequities in caregiving. Why trouble them when you have it all under control?  

        Or the corollary:  

If she/he is already taking care of things, what could/should I do?  

       Or:  

I don't think he/she is doing such a  great job, but I don't want the hassle. I'll just let them work it out. 

3. It is easier just to wait and see how the cookies crumble; it's too hard to impact things in a forward manner.

4. It is too hard to think about the future - especially about a parent dying.

5. To what do we owe our parents, anyway - especially if they didn't always do the right things for us or if they had difficult personalities?

What is your reason?

Call us. We can coach you on how to approach these difficult conversations

Grandparent Rights....   

and Fights

Being a grandparent seems like the best of all worlds -- the fun of parenting without the responsibilities of parenthood. Spending time with grandkids can also help keep you feeling young. And, having a relationship with grandparents gives kids a chance to experience being part of a larger extended family. 

This all assumes that relationships between grandparents and their children are good.

In today's world, that is not always the case. Sometimes grandparents assume more of a parental role with their grandchildren. This can happen when the parent is unable to be the parent - due to mental health issues, addictions, incarcerations, or even the death of an adult child/parent. Other times grandparents offer support to their child and grandchildren in the event of a divorce or economic struggles.

These situations can create confusion, particularly when the relationships between the grandparent(s) and the adult children are strained. Our legal system does not always support grandparents' rights to be involved with their grandchildren. If you find yourself in such a conflict, speak to an attorney to learn about your rights as a grandparent.

Keep in mind that even though an intergenerational family conflict may be defined as a legal issue, the remedy may be found outside the courtroom through mediation. Legal issues are defined by each side taking a position and suggesting the remedy they would like from the court. When the court makes a ruling, often both sides are unhappy with the judge's decision, and although the legal issue is decided, the conflict continues.

Effective mediation can get to the basic needs of the parties by helping each side better understand the other. This often leads to a solution that works for everyone, resolves the conflict and settles the legal issue.

As a grandparent, it is important to know your legal rights. Intergenerational conflicts may be framed as legal issues; however, many of these conflicts are relationship conflicts that can be effectively resolved through mediation rather than going to court.

Wall Street Journal

February 5, 2011

A Referee for Family Disputes
By ANNE TERGESEN

For years, couples have hired divorce mediators to avoid court battles. Now growing numbers of mediators are specializing in disputes that relate to older adults, such as those over inheritances and caregiving responsibilities.  But while mediation may prove cheaper than litigation-and less damaging to family relationships-the field is largely unregulated. As a result, it is important to vet prospects carefully to be sure they understand the issues most significant to your family.

Elder mediators help clients resolve conflicts that arise over a variety of issues, from how to share an inherited vacation home to whether Mom should turn over the car keys and who should arrange for transportation. Some families hire mediators on their own initiative, while others are referred-or ordered to attend-by courts.

Mediators don't offer advice, Ms. Kardasis says. "We facilitate conversations and help the parties get past impasses."

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